OLD LADY LINCOLN

THE INEVITABLE

2012-02-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

Subject: We'll be there!
A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jennie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice boobs and wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

2012-02-15T06:00:00.002-05:00

Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

What better story then this for Valentines Day

2012-02-14T06:00:00.002-05:00

Faith and Giving Of a Child
Sometimes children, in their innocence, are the most faithful and giving people in our lives. This story is very touching.

There was a family that was experiencing a small tragedy. One of their two sons had acquired an illness that required a marrow transplant. Of course, the medical personnel had all the family members tested to see who had the proper type of blood. It turned out the older brother of the sick boy was the perfect match. So the father sat the older brother down and told what they needed to do in simplest terms for the young boy. The father told him that his little brother was very very sick and that he needed to show his little brother how much he loved him by having surgery. The doctors need to take a little piece of him and put it in his little brother's body so that he doesn't die. The young boy thought about it for a couple seconds, and then he said he would do it.

So the older brother went through surgery. It was a success, and his little brother was recovering quickly. After the relief and joy passed over and the family was just sitting around relaxing, the father noticed his older son looking a little down and depressed. He took his son aside and asked him why he wasn't happy- his brother was getting better. His son said that he was very glad that his brother was getting better. So the father asked again, why are you so sad? The boy said, "When is it time for me to die?"

That's when the father realized what the boy actually had on his mind. His older son believed in his heart of hearts that he had to give up his own life so that his little brother who he loved could live.

Received in the newsletter I get from Godvine

2012-02-13T06:00:00.003-05:00

Life really boils down
to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog.....?

OR...

2. Should I have children?

2012-02-12T06:00:00.007-05:00

Know where your
playing field is.
The other day I was working out and I was struggling to reach a workout goal I had set for myself. A brief thought flashed through my mind: “This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done” (I was really pushing myself, after all).

Then I realized something. No, what I was doing in my workout was extremely hard but it WASN’T the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve faced tougher challenges in life. And, while I was working out, I remembered one particular challenge that was tougher — physically and mentally. By thinking about that other experience, I was able to redefine how challenging I thought my workout was and it helped me to realize “If I made it through a tougher challenge, I can make it through this”. Sure enough, it was the gas I needed to keep pushing.

Later, I reflected on this experience and realized how much it was like football (or any sport). It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and for that one single experience to define your reality. But the more successful people will always keep the full field in mind.

Think about your most difficult experience ever and your happiest experience ever. Make those the two goal posts in your playing field. Then, as life takes you on its complicated, circuitous, and sometimes-good-sometimes-hard journey, keep your eye on the full field.

There will be times when you experience something harder or happier than ever before — and that will redefine your field. That’s okay. Just recognize how the playing field has changed and measure everything by that new perspective.

Received in a newsletter from Happy Self

2012-02-11T06:00:00.008-05:00

Ever Have A Day Like This?
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife, Fran, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

“Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Fran’s voice. “Larry” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Fran retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

2012-02-10T06:00:00.002-05:00

Never Jump To Conclusions
After finishing her shift as a nurse
Wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi sweetheart," he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello to them?

2012-02-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

This Would Certainly Wake You Up In A Hurry
I guess they wanted a little Wild Turkey with their Coke.

I just had to post this one. Enjoy all you Seniors.

2012-02-08T06:00:00.002-05:00

Senior Love.......
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

Copied from this website CLICK HERE

2012-02-07T06:00:00.004-05:00

Reduce stress with Stress Signals
Several years ago, I knew someone who I thought was living a well-balanced, positive life. But then one day he had a meltdown. It was a shocking collapse and he ended up in the hospital. He’s fine today but it was not only scary at the moment, it was a huge shock to those of us who were caught by surprise from it.

We weren’t aware of his stress level and neither was he. Sure, he was getting frustrated by his life but he had no idea how bad it was until that one cataclysmic episode.

That’s probably true for most of us: Unless we’re practicing mindfulness every day, we aren’t truly aware of our stress level until it gets to a boiling point. And by then it’s too late.

But there is a solution, which I call “Stress Signals”…
A solution inspired by the stock market

In the stock market, investors use something called “indicators” to track stock prices. These indicators pay attention to trends, and they measure things like the price that stocks are bought for and the price that stocks are sold for (plus many other variables that influence upward or downward trends). Based on these signals, the information alerts the investor that it’s time to buy or sell more stock.

The same principle can be applied to our lives to help us address and reduce stress.

We may not always realize “Okay, I’m feeling stress right now” but there are lots of indicators in our lives that can signal the stress long before we have a meltdown.

What are the signals? I think they’re different for everyone but here’s a cross section of the signals that I think many of us might observe in ourselves:

Hunger for junk food
Road rage
Frustration expressed through shouting at inanimate objects
An increase in caffeine consumption
Sleeplessness
Restlessness
Short-tempered with family and friends
Impatient
Teeth grinding at night
Shortness of breath
Dissatisfied with things that normally mean nothing to us (i.e. “There’s NOTHING on the radio today!” or “my spouse NEVER remembers to put the car keys back in the same place”)
A desire to escape

Of course there are many more, and they are different for everyone. (And do you notice something else? These signals can also be catalysts for further stress! Our stress keeps us awake at night and then our fatigue compounds our stress level!)

How to use stress signals

First, figure out what YOUR stress signals are. Chances are, you may have recognized a few of them in the list above.

Next, choose 3 to 5 signals that show up consistently when you get stressed. You don’t have to pick more than that because those few will give you the same information as if you picked 7 or 10 signals. Also, make sure the signals you choose are easy to measure.

Then commit those signals to memory.

Simply the act of committing those signals to memory will help you to “set them” as indicators. As that particular signal starts to ping in your life, it will job your memory that it’s a stress signal.

But to further help you, take a couple of moments in your day to check your stress signals and rate them on a simple scale of 1 to 5. Perhaps do this once in the morning, once when you arrive home from work and once before bed at night. This simple 30-second exercise will keep you aware of your stress level so you can do something about it before it gets too bad.

2012-02-06T06:00:00.005-05:00

Natural Born Citizen
Folks, truer words were never spoken!!

This just might make your day a little brighter!! You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem!

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

2012-02-05T06:00:00.002-05:00

Have a Terrific Sunday

Taste of Home

2012-02-04T06:00:00.002-05:00

Chili Recipes for Sundays Games GO HERE

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day

2012-02-03T06:00:00.002-05:00

** Funny Shop Names **
There's a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor named: 'The Hound of the Basket Meals'.

There is a bakery in Sutton called 'Agatha Crustie'.

In Turnham Green, Chiswick we find a dry cleaner called 'Turn 'em Clean'.[Nick Robinson]

'A Pane in the Glass' is the name of a glazier's in New York State, USA.

Others can be found at a website called shophorror owned by Guy Swillingham.

I have seen two of his examples, one in Croydon named 'The Vinyl Frontier'; a shop which sells second hand records;

Another example is a restaurant in Belfast called 'Thai Tanic'.

Teddy bear shop in Penge called 'Bearly Trading'. [Isabel Radage]

Fish and chip shop in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca named 'Oh My Cod'. [David Harries]

Will has found a bakery in Albert Road, Southsea called 'Upper Crustie'.

Guy has savoured the hake and chips at a shop called: 'A Fish called Rhondda'. We were on our way to Caerphilly and found the chippy in Ton Pentre, South Wales.

Would you believe a driving school in the Merseyside area called 'L Passo'. [David Percy]

Fruit, vegetable and flower shop in Aylsham and Reepham, Norfolk goes by the name of 'Meloncaulie Rose'. [Mary + John Longhurst]

Barbers shop named 'Herr Kutz'. [David Percy]

Knockin, in Shropshire has to have a 'Knockin Shop' naturally. What it sells is not given. [Peter Smith]

There is, apparently, a mobile snack bat in Cornwall, UK which goes by the name of, 'The Star Chip Enterprise.' [John Aikman]

There was an Indian restaurant in Radford, Nottingham, UK which went under the name of ' Balti Towers'. [Probably only appreciated by British readers]

On a butcher's van on Dartmoor - "Tor to Tor Delivery." [Roger McCann reports]

A hire van company in Kent called "Van Gough". [Bob Humm saw]

Between Tenby and Pembroke can be found a specialist horticultural nursery boasting a sign reading: "Your fuchsia is in our hands." [Tim Large]

In Havant, Hants, UK a greetings card shop can be found that goes by the name of "Havant Forgotten". [Nick Morris]

There is a whole-food shop in Argyll called "Oban Sesame". [Cyril Bailey]

Drop your pants here, and you will receive prompt attention. Sign on a laundrette.

2012-02-02T06:00:00.003-05:00

Makes You Wonder, Who Can You Trust?

McDonald’s confirms that it’s no longer using ‘pink slime’ chemical in hamburgers: By Eric Pfeiffer

Ammonium hydroxide, McDonald's announced last week that, as of last August, is has stopped using ammonium hydroxide in the production of its hamburgers. MSNBC reports that the chemical, used in fertilizers, household cleaners and even homemade explosives, was also used to prepare McDonald's hamburger meat.

And while the announcement is making headlines, you may (or may not) want to know about some other unusual chemicals being used in the production of some of our most-popular foods:

The International Business Times lists some other questionable chemicals showing up in our foods:

Propylene glycol: This chemical is very similar to ethylene glycol, a dangerous anti-freeze. This less-toxic cousin prevents products from becoming too solid. Some ice creams have this ingredient; otherwise you'd be eating ice.

Carmine: Commonly found in red food coloring, this chemical comes from crushed cochineal, small red beetles that burrow into cacti. Husks of the beetle are ground up and forms the basis for red coloring found in foods ranging from cranberry juice to M&Ms.

Shellac: Yes, this chemical used to finish wood products also gives some candies their sheen. It comes from the female Lac beetle.

L-cycsteine: This common dough enhancer comes from hair, feathers, hooves and bristles.

Lanolin (gum base): Next time you chew on gum, remember this. The goopiness of gum comes from lanolin, oils from sheep's wool that is also used for vitamin D3 supplements.

Silicon dioxide: Nothing weird about eating sand, right? This anti-caking agent is found in many foods including shredded cheese and fast food chili.

So, what moved McDonald's to make the change in their hamburger production? In a statement posted on its website, McDonald's senior director of quality systems Todd Bacon wrote:

"At the beginning of 2011, we made a decision to discontinue the use of ammonia-treated beef in our hamburgers. This product has been out of our supply chain since August of last year. This decision was a result of our efforts to align our global standards for how we source beef around the world."

The U.S. Agriculture Department classifies the chemical as "generally recognized as safe." McDonald's says they stopped using the chemical months ago and deny the move came after a public campaign against ammonium hydroxide by celebrity chef Jamie Oliver.

The food industry uses ammonium hydroxide as an anti-microbial agent in meats, which allows McDonald's to use otherwise "inedible meat."

On his show, Oliver said of the meat treatment: "Basically we're taking a product that would be sold in the cheapest form for dogs and making it 'fit' for humans."

Even more disturbing, St. Louis-based dietician Sarah Prochaska told NBC affiliate KSDK that because ammonium hydroxide is considered part of the "component in a production procedure" by the USDA, consumers may not know when the chemical is in their food.

"It's a process, from what I understand, called 'mechanically separated meat' or 'meat product,'" Prochaska said. "The only way to avoid it would be to choose fresher products, cook your meat at home, cook more meals at home."

There were several photos and a video, but I didn't try to copy and put on this article. You can go here if you wish to read the article and see photos and or video. CLICK HERE

This is one sick SOB

2012-02-01T13:10:00.001-05:00

I hope he's locked away for a very long time. I saw this on the TV at the Doctor's office this morning, one of those running across the bottom of the screen as they give the weather. When I came home I goggled it and this is what I found. GO HERE TO READ

Okay the devil made me do it. LOL

2012-02-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in KENTUCKY when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell .
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ..'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

An oldie but still pretty funny.

2012-01-31T15:55:00.000-05:00

Man Versus Woman
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night"

This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

More Will and Guy

2012-01-30T06:00:00.001-05:00

Steven Wright's Sayings - Researched by Alan Turnham

There are at least two famous people called Steve Wright. Alan Turnham has unearthed quotes by the American Comedian, (not the British Radio 2 Presenter) To get the most from these one-liners, you have to imagine Steve's deadpan delivery.

Steve Wright American Comedian born 1955

* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

* How do I set my laser printer on stun?

* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

* If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

* And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

2012-01-29T06:00:00.009-05:00

Angels as Explained By Children
These are absolutely adorable! May God richly bless you today!

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.- Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.- Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.- Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.- Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.- Henry, age 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! - Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.- Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.- Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold,angels go south for the winter.- Sara, age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. - Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. - Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got,a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.- Ashley ~ age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.- Vicki , age 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone,is in love, they shoot arrows at them.- Sarah , age 7

2012-01-28T06:00:00.002-05:00

Winter Sunrise CLICK HERE
It takes a little while to load, but well worth the wait, I think. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

2012-01-27T06:00:00.002-05:00

Received from my cousin
that lives in KS.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." He sees things differently than most of us do; here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
2 - Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Hope you find one of two that will give you a chuckle.

Hope you find these as interesting as I did.

2012-01-26T06:00:00.026-05:00

Time-worn household habits to break: By Consumer Reports

Even if it came from a parent, teacher, boss, or older sibling, some advice just doesn’t hold up over time. While you might have been employing the following five moves in the kitchen, you shouldn’t. Follow these tips instead.

Do not line the oven with foil
Lining the oven with foil
Placing aluminum foil directly on the bottom of your oven can trap heat and throw off oven performance, and might even void the manufacturer’s warranty. The foil can also melt, which can damage the oven or even cause a fire.

Instead
Use a sheet of heavy-duty foil (a few inches bigger than the cooking pan) on the rack below the one you’re using. It will catch drips and allow heat to circulate.

Don't use a pop-up thermometer for anything but a turkey
Relying on pop-up thermometers
They are calibrated to pop at 180° F, past the ideal cooking temperature for turkey.

Instead
Use a meat thermometer to check for doneness. For a turkey, insert it into the innermost part of the thigh and wing, and into the thickest part of the breast. Remember that food continues to cook for a few minutes after it has been removed from the oven.

Leaving mats in the sink
A rubber mat provides a cushion when you’re washing glasses and dishes, but leaving it in a stainless-steel sink can trap water underneath and cause rust and pitting. Similarly, steel wool can scratch the surface and leave steel particles, which will rust, in the sink’s surface.

Instead
Remove the mat (and any sponges) after each use, rinse the sink thoroughly, and allow the sink to dry.

Using cooking spray on nonstick pans
Cooking spray can damage the coating on nonstick pans, which could cause food to stick. Very high heat can also break down the coating.

Instead
Use nonstick pans on low or medium heat—without spray.

Washing certain plastics in the dishwasher
High heat can degrade polycarbonate, a hard, translucent plastic that was commonly used in food containers, baby bottles, and sippy cups. That can cause bisphenol A, or BPA, to leach into food and drinks. Some studies have linked BPA exposure to health problems.

Instead
Minimize leaching by hand-washing those plastics, and consider using alternatives.

Will & Guy

2012-01-25T04:55:00.001-05:00

** Funny Cat Stories **
Washer
Washer, the tomcat, was heard running up and down the alley for hours. Ian, his neighbour 'phoned Alan [the cat's owner] and asked what was happening. Alan replied, "Well, I had Washer neutered today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements."

Homing Cat
Michael really hated his wife, Patricia's cat. So he decided to get rid of it for good. Michael put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance of the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found it's way home. Each day Michael kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it's way home.

Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.

Several hours later, he 'phoned Patricia, 'Darling, is the cat there?'.

'Yes,' she answered. 'Why?' Michael replied bitterly, 'Put that flippin' animal on the 'phone. I'm lost and need directions.'

2012-01-24T06:00:00.022-05:00

Some pages from an old Montgomery Ward Catalogue from 1934.
Look at the prices.
Looks like they sold about anything you want or need.
I can remember my Grandmother wearing shoes like these $1.77 type.
I don't know if these photos will let you enlarge them or not, I didn't run them through Photobucket, just right direct from my desktop. But the order form states, if the order is over $100.00 then both the husband and wife have to sign the form. Hope you've enjoyed looking at these photos. I don't know if any one even has the old large thick catalogs like Sears Roebuck and JC Penny use to have. Hope the people in my age bracket and older have enjoyed this walk down memory lane.

2012-01-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

Where has all our innocence gone?
While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

*****
As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them.'

*****
Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'

******
Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

******
On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

*****
Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up 'How long was he missing?'

*****
God's Problem Now.

His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.

*****
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart.

2012-01-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

Have a good Sunday!
Bible Verse Graphics
Tumblr Backgrounds

2012-01-21T06:00:00.002-05:00

One-liners from Real Résumés
These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed in the Fortune Magazine:

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms."
3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

I find these truly amazing.

I love Will and Guys newsletters I get, because it gives me something to post on my blog.

2012-01-20T06:00:00.002-05:00

Bizarre Labels:
1) Peanuts - May contain nuts.

2) Puma shoe box - Average Contents: 2
International Yacht Varnish - Not suitable for marine use.
Guy wonders if this was a translation problem, or whether it was by design?

3) Birthday Card for a 2 year old - Not suitable for children under 3.

4) Superman outfit - Does not enable wearer to fly.

5) Child's Scooter - This product moves when used.

6) Meat Product - Oven ready half-wild rabbit.

7) Mozzarella salad bagel. - Keep refrigerated ...
avoid the fridge.

8) Sleeping Pills - Warning, may cause drowsiness.

9) Shop Window Advert
Seen by Will in a café window in Emsworth, W. Sussex:
Cleaner Lady Wanted.

By an amazing coincidence, Guy used to live in Maisemore Gardens Emsworth.

Will Rogers

2012-01-19T06:00:00.002-05:00

Never squat with your spurs on
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

More Will and Guy

2012-01-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

Over Sixties - One-liners
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

I get these from Will and Guy, I subscribe to a daily e-mail from their site.

2012-01-17T06:00:00.003-05:00

Out of the Mouths of Babes
Here are some amusing remarks made by children in all innocence. The saga that made me laugh the most was the Road Hog.

Cream loses its magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael, "Giving up?"

* Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

* The Chase
Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had kissed her after lessons. "How did that happen?" asked her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

* Fig Leaves
Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Hey, Mum, look what I’ve found!" Bobby called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. Astonishment written all over his face, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

* Home Alone
Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

* Road Hog
One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"

Another Will and Guy

2012-01-16T06:00:00.009-05:00

Funny Newspaper Headlines

1. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

2. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

3. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

5. Eye Drops off Shelf

6. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

7. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

8. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

9. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

10. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

11. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

12. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

13. Deer Kill 17,000

14. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

15. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

16. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

17. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

18. Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

19. Worcester Residents Can Drop Off Trees

20. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

2012-01-15T06:00:00.002-05:00

HOLY HUMOR-- some old/
some new
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'

Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied.

'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

From Kraft Foods

2012-01-14T06:00:00.004-05:00

Smart Casseroles CLICK HERE
You might find something you can make ahead over the week-end and bake when you get home later in the day.

2012-01-13T09:45:00.000-05:00

Friday the 13th Superstitions List
The list of superstitions continued to grow as time elapsed, with some people adding new superstitions to the list and others following them blindly. The fact that these superstitions cost us in millions every year shows how deep-rooted they are in the society. That being said, given below is a list of Friday the 13th superstitions, some of which may take you by surprise.

If you were born on Friday the 13th, your entire life will be marked by bad luck.
If you cut your hair on Friday the 13th, it will result in a death in the family.
If you change your bed on this day, you will see bad dreams throughout the night.
If you were to pass a funeral procession on Friday the 13th, you will die the very next day.
If you were to leave the calendar on Friday the 13th, you will be killed by a witch the very next day.
Cutting your nails on Friday the 13th is again a bad omen which can bring you some serious bad luck.
This is a very bad day for new beginning, and thus starting a new business on this day will only call for a disaster.
Similarly, starting out on a trip on Friday is considered to bring misfortune for you.
According to a deep-rooted superstition, Friday the 13th is a very bad day to consult the astrologer.
Ships that set sail on Friday 13th are much more likely to end in a disaster.

An 'accident' is a broad concept which can include everything, ranging from a safety pin pricking your finger to a car accident, and this plays a crucial role when it comes to any superstitious belief - including the superstitions about Friday the 13th. Basically, the slightest bad thing that happens to you on Friday the 13th is bound to stay in your mind forever, even if it is just about forgetting your wallet at home or reaching office late - which must have happened on several occasions. As a non-believer, you might find all this funny, but that's how things work on this allegedly inauspicious day.

The morbid fear of Friday the 13th can be attributed to the concept of 'selective bias' in psychology, wherein one only takes into consideration the data which supports his statement - while ignoring the rest of the facts that don't support or contradict his belief. Many people, for instance, cite the Turkey earthquake which occurred on Friday the 13th March, 1992, when highlighting 'how unlucky this date is', but they ignore the fact that there have been earthquakes - a lot more disastrous than the Turkey earthquake, which neither occurred on Friday, nor on 13th of the month.

That was a brief account pertaining to the history and superstitions on Friday the 13th. Skeptics, in an attempt to eliminate these Friday the 13th superstitions from the society, have been intentionally scheduling the important events of their lives on this day. That though, has done very little good to this date which is more popular as the unluckiest day of the year. At the end of the day, these are just superstitions which are engraved on your mind, and only critical thinking can get rid of these and other such superstitions from our society. And getting rid of this irrational fear is the need of the hour considering that these superstitions are taking a toll on our productivity.

PS: That it can occur at least once, and at the most thrice, in a single year as per the Gregorian calendar, is one of the most interesting, but lesser known facts about Friday the 13th.

Another Will and Guys

2012-01-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

Good Clean Irish Jokes

1) Look to The Moon
Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,

"Sorry, I don't live around here."

2) Irish Job Application
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the American the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "

You put down, "Neither do I."

Another one from my cousin

2012-01-11T06:00:00.002-05:00

A Real Cowboy Has No Fear

Received from a cousin I haven't seen in years.

2012-01-10T06:00:00.004-05:00

Hunting
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL

Shot my first turkey yesterday,

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section.

It was awesome!

Getting old is so much fun....

Another from Will & Guy

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

Notes Sent to Milkmen
These notes were left in milk bottles.

Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

More notes left in milk bottles

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

2012-01-08T06:00:00.002-05:00

Don't we All
One evening I was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. I had just come from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to get out of work. Coming my way from across the parking lot was, what society would consider, a bum. From the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no money. There are times when you feel generous but there are other times that you just don't want to be bothered. This was one of the "don't want to be bothered" times.

"I hope he doesn't ask me for money," I thought. He didn't. He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop and he didn't look like he could have enough money to even ride the bus. After a few minutes he spoke. "That's a very nice car," he said. He was ragged but had an air of dignity around him.

I said, "Thanks," and continued wiping off my car.

He sat there quietly as I worked. The expected plea for money never came. As the silence between us widened something inside me said, "Ask him if he needs any help." I was sure that he would say yes, but I held true to the inner voice.

"Do you need any help?" I asked. He answered in three simple but profound words that I shall never forget. We often look for wisdom in great men and women. We expect it from those of higher learning and accomplishments. I expected nothing but an outstretched grimy hand. He spoke three words that shook me.

"Don't we all?" he said.

I needed help. Maybe not for bus fare or a place to sleep, but I needed help. I reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus fare but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day. Those three little words still ring true. No matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help too. No matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or a place to sleep, you can give help. Even if it's just a compliment, you can give that.

You never know when you may see someone that appears to have it all. They are waiting on you to give them what they don't have. A different perspective on life, a glimpse at something beautiful, a respite from daily chaos, that only you through a torn world can see.

From Will and Guy

2012-01-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

Maturity - Useful Advice!
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, which keeps coming back.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Finally, I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!

From Will and Guy

2012-01-03T15:19:00.002-05:00

Marriage Jokes and One-liners - Researched by Alan Turnham
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) [For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T06:00:00.002-05:00

Go here to pick up your card. CLICK HERE

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2011-12-31T07:46:00.000-05:00

YOUR DAILY SURVIVAL KIT FOR THE NEW YEAR
Today, I am giving you a DAILY SURVIVAL KIT to help you each day............

Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.

Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.

Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.

Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.

Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.

Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.

Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of blessings.

This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day.

Wishing you love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music and warm feelings in your heart in the 2012 year.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day

2011-12-30T10:37:00.001-05:00

Strange Story of the Cigars
This isn't much of a joke and shows just how dumb our legal system is at times. I say he got just what he deserved.

A man from Charlotte, North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile, the man filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued – and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be 'unacceptable fire', and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost 'in the fires'.

After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burni

ng his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

2011-12-29T06:00:00.003-05:00

US Army
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Try this out, I got 39

2011-12-27T06:00:00.004-05:00

Brain Test
CLICK HERE

2011-12-26T19:39:00.000-05:00

After Christmas Let Down.

Didn't even bother getting dressed until around 3:30. In time to get dressed and our one daughter and my self went to funeral home here in town to pay our respect to a friend who lost her husband. She cuts our hair. Her husband age 56, had surgery on both legs, poor circulation. He hasn't been able to feel his toes for some time. I was just in to get my hair cut on Dec. 13th. asked how he was doing and she said everything seems to be coming along okay. She said he came out the other morning and was so tickled, he told her he could feel his toes again, first in a long time.

My neighbor called me Sat. and said did you hear about (I'll call him by his initials) T.D. and I said no what happened, she said his wife went in to wake him up on Friday morning and he was dead. I said WHAT? I couldn't believe it. Apparently they think he passed a blood clot.

And then she said did you hear about F.L. (again initials), and I said no what about her, she said she had an aneurysm. She passed out, they rushed her to the hospital and was able to preform emergency surgery, but then her kidneys shut down, so apparently they went back and opened her again. After the second surgery I guess they told the husband and daughter there was no hope. He called Abe the other evening, since at one time they were in Rotary together, and he told Abe the two of them had just been talking about the month of December. It seems December has always been a bad month. They lost several of their pet dogs and also family members during the month of Dec. And they were just talking about, wonder what might happen this December. Not realizing what might lay ahead. Her viewing is tomorrow evening. Her and I compared notes on our breast cancer. Difference being she also had some cells in her lymph nodes and I didn't.

Just goes to show, we never know what lies ahead.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. More later.

Received in my e-mail, copy and pass on to your friends.

2011-12-26T06:00:00.003-05:00

GOOD DEEDS One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried, No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was those chills which only fear can put in you.

He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.'

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.'

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything's going to be all right I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying, 'What goes around comes around.' Today I sent you this story and I'm asking you to pass it on. Let this light shine. God works in mysterious ways and sometimes puts people in our lives for a reason.

Don't delete it, don't return it. Simply, pass this on to a friend.

Merry Christmas Everyone

2011-12-25T06:00:00.003-05:00

When A Child Is Born CLICK HEREWords to the song
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A tiny star lights up way up high
All across the land, dawns a brand new morn'
This comes to pass when a child is born.

A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt.. crumble tossed and torn,
This comes to pass when a child is born.

A rosy dawn settles all around
You got to feel you're on solid ground
For a spell or two no one seems forlorn
This come to pass when a child is born.

It's all a dream, and illusion now.
It must come true some time soon somehow
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass.. when a child is born.
Songwriter-Ed Jordan

2011-12-24T11:25:00.002-05:00

Christmas With Loved Ones

2011-12-24T06:00:00.009-05:00

If You Look For Me At Christmastime.

2011-12-23T06:00:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

2011-12-22T06:00:00.008-05:00

Here are my last month of 2011 wishes for YOU.
May you ALWAYS make the right move

May your cup runneth over with love

May you always FIND SHELTER FROM ANY STORM

May you remain good looking and looking good.

May you find the perfect diet for your body and your soul.

May you find perfect balance in the company you keep.

May you have as much fun as you can before someone makes you stop.

May the worst thing that happens to you come in slobbery pink and furry TAN.

May you manage to MAKE time for Time Out!

May all the new folks you meet be interesting and kind.

May you always know when to walk away... and when to RUN!

AND MAY YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY ALWAYS BRING YOU JOY

May the last bit of 2011

be your BEST month EVER!!!

May this time only hold good health, success, growth, wealth and happiness for u and your loved ones!

May God bless you and your loved ones every day!

THIS CAME WITH CUTE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE AND ANIMALS, BUT I DIDN'T TAKE TIME TO COPY THE PHOTOS.

Another Will and Guy

2011-12-21T06:00:00.002-05:00

International Humour - Jewish Jokes
Firstly, let us say that we have created a joke section for many nationalities, including English (Will) and Welsh (Guy). Secondly, we hope that you will find the tone of these jokes funny rather than offensive.

1) A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?'
The man says, 'I make a good living.'

2) I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

3) I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

4)Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

5) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6) My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the loo and cried.

7) She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

8) The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

9) The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.
Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'

10) Doctor: You'll live to be 60.
Patient: I AM 60.
Doctor: See! What did I tell you?

Cartoon from year I was born

2011-12-20T06:00:00.000-05:00

CLICK HERE TO VIEW

Will and Guy

2011-12-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

A Sympathetic Look at "Senior Moments Humor" Will and Guy have learned that the expression senior moment was apparently coined in America in the mid-nineties, but has become more widely used in the UK during the past couple of years.

Originating with specific reference to seniors or senior citizens - people aged sixty or over - it has now entered more general use and can be applied in any situation where someone experiences a momentary lapse of memory, regardless of their age.

The term highlights the idea that our brains simply weren't built to cope with the information overload and stress generated by life in the 21st century.

An absent-minded activity, like putting your furniture polish in the fridge or your prepared casserole in the cupboard, can also be referred to as a senior moment.

Will's wife once put the roast beef in the top oven, of a two oven cooker, set the timer for the bottom oven and went out shopping expecting, on her return, a cooked joint of meat…………………….no. Baked beans on toast were the order of that day!

-----------------------------------------

Will and Guy's Examples of Funny Senior Moments

Archie

Archie, aged 88, has a problem with his house. It has two stories. It has stairs. When he use the stairs, Archie stops midway to catch his breath. His main problem is that, when he am ready to start again, Archie is unable to remember whether he was going upstairs or downstairs.

Old Hat

A letter to a national UK newspaper in the 1950's declared: 'My grandfather, who is 87, has been converted to nudism. He sits all day long in the greenhouse without a stitch on except for his hat. When I asked him what he wants with a hat on if he's a nudist he hits out at me with his walking stick and hollers, "Because I'm bald"

A Hand for the Bish

In his later life, a former Bishop of Lincoln, UK, found himself having difficulty rising from a park bench where he had stopped to take the weight off his feet. After struggling ineffectively, he was delighted when a little girl offered a helping hand.

'That's very kind of you my dear,' he told her, 'But are you really strong enough?'

'Oh yes, the child retorted, 'I've often helped my daddy when he was much drunker than you.'

If this doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you are just hard hearted.

2011-12-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

CLICK HERE

Received from a friend I use to work with.

2011-12-17T06:00:00.007-05:00

Who ever said the British doesn't have a sense of humor are all wrong. CLICK HERE

Nine days till Christmas

2011-12-16T06:00:00.004-05:00

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long
Take a heap of child-like wonder
That opens up our eyes
To the unexpected gifts in life—
Each day a sweet surprise.

Mix in fond appreciation
For the people whom we know;
Like festive Christmas candles,
Each one has a special glow.

Add some giggles and some laughter,
A dash of Christmas food,
(Amazing how a piece of pie
Improves our attitude!)

Stir it all with human kindness;
Wrap it up in love and peace,
Decorate with optimism, and
Our joy will never cease.

If we use this healthy recipe,
We know we will remember
To be in the Christmas spirit,
Even when it's not December.

By Joanna Fuchs

Will and Guy's Humour

2011-12-15T06:00:00.006-05:00

Children's Names
1) Unfortunate names that parents give their Children

Girls Names
Teresa Green
Nora Bone
Dee Zaster
Robyn Banks
Rosie Peach
Penny Wise
Ima Kettle
Dan Druff

Boys
Justin Case
Mike Stand
Seymour Legg
Sean Head
Tim Burr
Ash Hull

Either Gender
Sandy Banks
Shandy Lear
Rusty Nails
Robin Plunder

Girls have an extra hazard, they could marry into a tricky name. For example, Annette Brown marries Joe Curtain and becomes A Net Curtain.

2) What's in a name?
Mrs Warren was discussing the origin of names with her Primary pupils. The 7 year olds were keen and enthusiastic learners and quickly grasped the notion that somebody named Taylor may well have had ancestors in mediaeval times who were makers of clothing. A family name of Baker suggested that in the middle ages their predecessors might have baked bread. First names were talked about: the name William belonged to the heir to the throne of Britain and it meant "conqueror" as in the Norman invader ‘William the Conqueror’ in 1066.

One lad raised his hand and spoke, "Please, Miss. I was named after a wall."

"And what is your name, young man?" asked Mrs Warren.

"Adrian", came the response.

The Roman Emperor Hadrian [AD117-138] felt that his Empire was growing too large. He ordered this wall to be constructed in Northern Britain. It runs for 73 miles and is estimated to be between 13 and 15 feet high. Hadrian wanted a wall built which would mark the northern limits of his empire and consolidate the hold on those parts of Britain already subdued. Hadrian's empire would not include Caledonia. [Scotland]. Although the Roman Army was strong enough to defeat the Picts who lived in Caledonia, Hadrian felt that the rough terrain and the guerrilla tactics employed by the Picts made the conquering of Scotland not worth his while.

3) True Story
A policeman pulled over a teenage girl for a traffic violation in Montana.
"What's your name?"
"Betsy Ross*."
"Date of birth?"
"Fourth of July."

Naturally, she was questioned more closely, as the officer thought that she was 'taking the Mickey'. However, a phone call to her father and he produced the documents to prove that she was indeed Betsy Ross, born on 7/4/1990**.

(* According to Legend Betsy Ross sewed the first American Flag.)
(** 4th of July in American date notation. In Montana it's legal to drive at 15. In Dakota the driving age is as low as 14. However, I understand that at least in some states, drivers under 18 cannot take passengers, unless one passenger is over 25.)

A Story from Guidepost. With Holidays and all, perhaps this will help someone get through a hard day.

2011-12-14T06:00:00.052-05:00

Sharing God's Love One Day at a Time
A daughter's faith in her father is restored when she realizes his devotion to his sobriety touches others. By Allison Mitchell, Woodland Park, Colorado.

“Remember, your father is only one year older than you.” That was Mom’s usual excuse when Dad said the wrong thing or did something dumb. Like the other night when I modeled my new dress and sequined shrug for my parents.

“Ta-da,” I said, spinning around so the sequins caught the light. “What do you guys think?”

Dad barely looked up from his paper. “Great,” he said, “for a Vegas showgirl.”

“Dad!”

“Don’t take it personally, dear. You look lovely,” Mom said. “Remember, your dad is only a year older than you are.”

As with all family jokes there is truth to that. Exactly one year before I was born Dad quit drinking. He said it was because alcohol made him do and say crazy things. He joined a group of other men and women who had also stopped drinking, and he hasn’t had a drink since.

Each year on his sobriety birthday, as he calls it, he brings home a metal coin. He carries it around in his pocket. I’ve seen him take it out and rub his thumb across it absently, a satisfied look in his eyes.

I loved my dad but I hated the way his weekly meetings took him away from Mom and me. It seemed like they were more important to him than we were. But with my sixteenth birthday coming up I figured even Dad would make an exception.
I announced, “Only one week left before my birthday. Hope you guys have something great for me!”

Mom smiled. “Don’t worry, honey. Your dad and I haven’t forgotten.”

“Where are you taking me for dinner? Are we going someplace fun?”

Mom exchanged a look with Dad and then cleared her throat. “We thought we’d wait until after church on Sunday to celebrate. Your father has his meeting Saturday.”

As if I needed to be reminded. “You’re always at a meeting,” I moaned. “Can’t you skip it just this one time? Saturday is my birthday and I’m only turning sixteen once.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Dad said. “I’m chairing the meeting that night. The group’s counting on me. We’ll have your party on Sunday.”

“You care more about a bunch of stupid drunks than you do about me!” I shouted. “I don’t care if you drink. You’d probably be more fun if you did.” I stomped out of the room, ignoring Dad’s hurt expression.

Saturday evening I sat on my bed, my iPod cranked, feeling terribly sorry for myself. Dad poked his head in my door.

“Happy Birthday, sweetheart,” he said. I grudgingly took my ear buds out. “I’m heading out soon for my meeting, but tomorrow is the big day and I’m looking forward to celebrating with you.”

“Whatever,” I said.

Dad started to leave then paused.

“Why don’t you come with me tonight? It’s an open meeting. All are welcome.”

“I can’t go to a meeting of alcoholics. Everyone will think I’m one too.”

“Trust me,” he replied, trying to hide a smile, “no one will think you’re an alcoholic.” He looked at his watch. “I’m leaving in fifteen minutes. If you can be ready by then come with me.”

What would I do at a meeting? What would they talk about? They’d stare at me and I’d feel weird listening, like I was spying on them.

But again, maybe I needed to see why something Dad did every week mattered so much more than his only daughter’s sixteenth birthday. I got off the bed and changed clothes.

We didn’t talk much during the 10-minute drive across town. Dad parked in front of an old church and I followed him into the basement. It was no frills. Dim fluorescent lights, two tables pushed together to form an L.

The room smelled of coffee. Several people—men and women—were already seated. Dad pulled out two chairs for us. We sat down and he rapped his knuckles on the table to call the meeting to order.

“My name’s Mark,” he said, “and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi, Mark,” the group chorused. People went around the room, introducing themselves, always adding, “I’m an alcoholic.”

When it was my turn I looked down at my lap and muttered, “My name’s Allison.”
“Hi, Allison,” they said warmly.

Dad announced that the theme of the meeting was going to be gratitude. One man told of how his wife and daughter had left him, but added that he was grateful they did because he finally quit drinking and was now starting to build a real relationship with his daughter.

A woman talked about how her sister refused to speak to her, but she was grateful she didn’t have to take a drink to ease the pain.

Then it was Dad’s turn. “Today I’m celebrating seventeen years of sobriety,” he said. “One year into my sobriety I received the most precious gift of my life, my daughter.” My eyes stung. “I was one mean drunk and I’m so grateful,” he went on, “that my daughter has never seen me drunk.”

Shame washed over me. I looked at Dad and it occurred to me that he came to meetings not in spite of Mom and me but because of us. He did it for us. But I still wondered why he couldn’t skip a meeting every once in a while, especially when something really important came up. It seemed like overkill.

Then a burly lumberjack of a man held up his hand. “My name’s Dave,” he said, “and I’m a grateful recovering alcoholic.”

“Hi, Dave,” everybody responded.

“As many of you know,” Dave began, “this has been a very difficult year for me after losing my job.” He paused.

“What you may not know is that we are also losing our house.”

There were some gasps around the table.

“Not long ago I received the foreclosure notice. I decided I’d had enough. I was angry and felt abandoned by God.

Years of sobriety and it didn’t make any difference. It would have been one thing if this had happened because I was drinking, but I was sober. Life seemed pointless. I decided to go buy a bottle of vodka, down it and end it all.”

The room was totally quiet.

“I drove over to the shopping center and parked a few spaces away from the liquor store. Just as I was
stepping out of the car, Mark walked up. He told me he was picking up a gallon of milk for his wife. He asked if I wanted to grab a cup of coffee.

“I figured my plan could wait because obviously I couldn’t walk into the liquor store now with Mark standing right there.”

Everyone laughed, which kind of broke the tension.

“At the coffee shop Mark told me about some of the struggles he was facing in his construction business and the fears he had of losing his house,” Dave went on. “But he reminded me that while jobs and houses are replaceable, people are not.

"He left his gallon of milk in the passenger seat of his car and I don’t think that hour in the sun did it any good, but that hour saved my life. I’m certain Mar

Dave stood and fished something out of his pocket, a ceremonial coin.
He held it up and spoke, “This chip reminds me that through another year with God on my side and the support of all of you in this room, I can face life without taking a drink. Now I would like to pass it on to my friend Mark. He is the reason I’m here today.”
Dad rose, took the coin and hugged the man fiercely. Then he passed the coin around the room and everyone touched it. When it finally came to me I stared at the XVII on its face.

How might my life have been different if Dad hadn’t come to his meeting all these years? And Dave’s? Showing up week after week and meeting with people in this church basement, and in parking lots and coffee shops, Dad was changing lives. I was so proud of him.

“I love you, Daddy,” I whispered.

I was startled to feel Dad’s hand on my shoulder. “I love you too, sweetheart,” he said, “and don’t you ever forget it.”

That night when we got home Mom had a cake ready. “Happy Birthday, Allison,” it read.
“Wait a sec, Mom.” I grabbed a tube of icing and added “And Dad” under my name. “It’s his birthday too, after all. He’s just one year older than I am.”

May have posted before, but they are funny enough to post again. Enjoy!

2011-12-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Church Ladies With Typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Will and Guys joke of the day #59

2011-12-12T06:00:00.002-05:00

Makes you wonder.
If the cops arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Hermits have no peer group pressure.

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why in a country of free speech, why are there 'phone bills?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why is it that kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

What is the speed of dark?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Another e-mail I received

2011-12-11T08:01:00.003-05:00

Dear Santa,

I don't want much for Christmas, I just want the person reading this to be happy. Friends are the fruit cake of life --- some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet but mix them together and they're my friends .

At Christmas you always hear people talking about what they want & bought.

This is what I want: I want people who are sick with no cure, to be cured. I want children with no families to be adopted. I want people to
never have to worry about food, shelter & heat. I want peace on earth, goodwill and love for everyone!

Now, let's see how many people forward this.

Received in my e-mail

2011-12-10T06:00:00.024-05:00

Food for Thought
Here's an interesting side bar. After the Japanese decimated our fleet in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941, they could have sent their troop ships and carriers directly to California to finish what they started.

The prediction from our Chief of Staff was we would not be able to stop a massive invasion until they reached the Mississippi River. Remember, we had a 2 million man army and war ships. All fighting the Germans.

So, why did they not invade?

After the war, the remaining Japanese generals and admirals were asked that question. Their answer. They knew that almost every home had guns and the Americans knew how to use them.

The world's largest army...America's hunters! I had never thought about this....

A blogger added up the deer license sales in just a handful of states and arrived at a striking conclusion:

There were over 600,000 hunters this season in the state of Wisconsin. Allow me to restate that number. Over the last several months, Wisconsin 's hunters became the eighth largest army in the world.

More men under arms than in Iran...

More than in France and Germany combined.

These men deployed to the woods of a single American state to hunt with firearms, and no one was killed.

That number pales in comparison to the 750,000 who hunted the woods of Pennsylvania and Michigan's 700,000 hunters - All of whom have now returned home.

Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia and it literally establishes the fact that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.

The point?

America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.

Hunting -- it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of national security.

That's why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.

Food for thought when next we consider gun control.

Received in my e-mail, something to think about.

2011-12-09T06:00:00.003-05:00

Twas the Month before Christmas
Twas the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

See the PC Police had taken away

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say

December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod

Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Target's were hanging their trees upside down

At Lowe's the word Christmas - was nowhere to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS,
not Happy Holiday Holiday 's Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Christ is The Reason' for the Christ-mas Season!
If you agree please forward, if not, simply delete.

I believe I posted one similar to this one other time, except it was about a radio.

2011-12-08T06:00:00.002-05:00

The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. After our long time visitor stayed longer he became more daring however, and even got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'
Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "
OH MY----HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!

Another Will and Guy

2011-12-07T06:00:00.003-05:00

Newspaper Headlines

1) Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

2) British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

3) Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time

4) Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

5) Farmer Bill Dies in House

6) Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

7) Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash

8) Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death

9) Drunken Drivers Paid £1000

10) War Dims Hope for Peace

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day

2011-12-06T06:00:00.013-05:00

Bungling Burglars in Germany, but I think you can find these anyplace
First One

Armed robbers steal first aid kit instead of cash.

Armed robbers who held up a money courier made off with his first aid kit instead of the suitcase full of cash.

The two bandits pursued the courier at high speed before shooting at his vehicle and forcing him to stop on a road in Gronau, Germany.

Forcing the boot open, one of the crooks snatched a case before fleeing again. But instead of taking the money, he made off with a first aid kit.

Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, "If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running. But even though they did not get what they were after, we are still investigating for attempted armed robbery and endangering lives. Luckily the courier was not harmed in the incident."

=================================

Second One

A man in Mainz, Germany, apparently inebriated, was arrested after he attempted to hold up a bank armed with............... a water pistol and a potato peeler. Police say that the man, identified as 52-year-old Walter Schoegl, had a stocking over his head and was waving the potato peeler as he demanded cash. He left with nothing after the bank teller told him that they had run out of money.

When he was arrested a some five minutes later he was still wearing the stocking on his head.

2011-12-05T06:00:00.060-05:00

Anthropomorphic Nouns for Animal Groups
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a:
Herd of cows
a Flock of chickens
a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese
However, less widely known is:
a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows
(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise:
a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ... a Congress!
A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
You just can’t make this stuff up.
Go green – Recycle Congress in 2012 !!!

What children hear

2011-12-04T06:00:00.025-05:00

The Children's Bible in
a Nutshell
(This is amazing and should bring tears of laughter to your eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching?)

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

------- Nothing bad will happen if you don't, but if you forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!

2011-12-03T06:00:00.001-05:00

Snippets

1) I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

2) Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

3) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

4) When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

It's a Dog's Life
The origin of the catchphrase 'It's a Dog's Life' is obscure. One of the earliest popular reference is Charlie Chaplin's 1918 film called 'A Dog's Life'. There is also a well known 1955 film by Herman Hoffman, this title include the It's - 'It's a Dog's Life'.

The phrase is so evocative of the downtrodden hero, that it's perfect for Charles M. Schulz's Snoopy. It's a dog's life has also inspired music and also T.V. episodes of popular programs such as 'Murder She Wrote'

Another from Will and Guy

2011-12-02T06:00:00.002-05:00

Love Quotes
'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.'
Dorothy Parker.

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.'
Rosanne Barr.

"Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself."
Mae West.

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
Rita Rudner.

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up."
Barbara Bush.

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
Ann Landers.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Groucho Marx.

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
Mickey Rooney.

Love this one, have seen before, but worth posting again.

2011-12-01T06:00:00.002-05:00

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS LADY
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and you're disconnected!

Women are Angels. When someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly ........ on a broomstick..... We are flexible like that.

2011-11-30T06:00:00.002-05:00

Three Irishman
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Presbyterian pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

2011-11-29T06:00:00.009-05:00

Booze: Step By Step

Received from my friend Priyanka Knot

2011-11-28T06:00:00.011-05:00

HEALTH MESSAGE
(please give me a break)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really care that much:
It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired.

Go around me!

Enjoy, sit back and relax a little.

2011-11-27T06:00:00.054-05:00

Romans 8:31
Thought this was good advice. All I have to do is act on it.

An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.'
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You every day.
16. Carry a spiritually enlightening book with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life..
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus .'
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.
'If God is for us, who can be against us?'
(Romans 8:31)
My instructions were to send this to four people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you. I decided to send it to more than four, because I didn't want to limit blessings.

SEND IT FORWARD PLEASE,

Not backward!

2011-11-25T06:00:00.004-05:00

Say Merry Christmas
CLICK HERE

Getting Ready for Thanksgiving?

2011-11-24T20:00:00.000-05:00

2011-11-24T06:00:00.006-05:00

Thanksgiving
The day America sets aside for family, for remembrance. It's a day of Pilgrims, Native Americans, turkey and pumpkin pie but if it wasn't for a persistent female magazine editor, we may not have the day to celebrate today. It was Sarah Josepha Hale who really pushed hard for a permanent national Thanksgiving celebration. But her involvement was far down the road from the first Thanksgiving.

The first Thanksgiving celebration held in America occurred in 1619. On December fourth of that year, thirty-eight English settlers arrived at the Berkeley Plantation in Virginia. Part of their original charter stated that they would set aside that day every year and observe it as a day of Thanksgiving. Due to the hardships of those early times and various other factors, the celebration turned out to be a short-lived occurrence.

The next recorded celebration is also the most famous. Plymouth, Massachusetts, 1621. The first winter the Pilgrims had in the "˜New World' was a brutal one (nearly half of those who came over on the Mayflower died). Times did eventually grow easier on them though, the following harvest season was so bountiful in fact that the Pilgrims decided to hold a feast for celebration and thanksgiving. This "˜festival', which lasted three days, included the participation of nearly one hundred Native Americans. Governor William Bradford had invited the natives to show them appreciation, for helping his colony survive through the harsh weather conditions.

The next "˜thanksgiving' celebration did not occur until 1623. This year the Pilgrims were again hit with a great natural hardship, a draught. In the hope of bringing much needed rain, they gathered together in a prayer service. The next morning it started to rain and it rained long and hard for the next several days. When it became apparent that the crops (and the colonists) would survive, Governor Bradford declared that they would hold another day of thanksgiving (the Indians were again invited). As other settlers came to the country, they held their own thanksgiving celebrations, but each celebration was independent of the next.

In 1668 the Plymouth General Court tried to bring some order to the celebration by declaring November 25th to be Thanksgiving. It was a proclamation that only lasted within the colony for five years.

How Thanksgiving came to be held on a Thursday is not widely known. A very logical belief is that the first Thanksgivings were held on Thursday (and in some cases Wednesday) so as to not interfere with the Sabbath. During these times, the Sabbath was an extremely important day; Saturday was a day of preparation and Monday was out to give the Sabbath it's proper respect so with these "˜restrictions' Thursday becomes an easy choice.

The first national celebration of Thanksgiving occurred in 1777. This one-time only event occurred at this time also as a way to celebrate the American defeat of the British at Saratoga.

The day worked it's way on and off local calendars until 1789 when George Washington made the first Presidential proclamation declaring Thanksgiving a national event. The first Thanksgiving held under this proclamation occurred on November 26 of that year. The pattern was set.

When he was named as the Second President of the United States, John Adams, in an effort to be different, declared a day of Thanksgiving but moved it from Thursday to the Wednesday previous. Finding it brought more resistance than he felt it was worth, Adams relented and changed the day back.

When it was Thomas Jefferson's turn as President, he decided against the idea of Thanksgiving. At this time, many were against the idea of taking a day to honor the hard times of a few pilgrims. And so it went for nearly sixty years, until Sarah Josepha Hale came to bat.

A magazine editor, Hale wrote strong editorials in many of the popular magazines of the time (including Boston Ladies' Magazine and Godey's Lady's Book), she also wrote letters to anyone and everyone (including Presidents, Governors, Congress members and others) who might help her cause. She was concerned with her belief that the country needed to set aside a day to give thanks "˜unto him from who all blessings flow'.

Finally she struck the right chord with Abraham Lincoln and in 1863, Hale saw her dream realized as the President declared the last Thursday of November as a national day of Thanksgiving.

For the most part, it is a day that has stayed. In the 1930's President Roosevelt tried to move the date a bit. He tried to slide it forward by a week to extend the Christmas shopping season. Facing immense critical outrage, he moved the day back with little fanfare. Later during Roosevelt's administration, in 1941, Congress declared the fourth Thursday in November to be the legal Holiday known as Thanksgiving.

It should be noted that while Thanksgiving has become a holiday deeply associated with America, there have been numerous "˜harvest', autumn, and "˜thanksgiving' festivals throughout history including Grecian, Roman and Egyptian celebrations.

From the Good Old Days magazine

2011-11-23T06:00:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving 1938
By Stan Rendahl

In September 1938, I enrolled in Bethel Seminary in St. Paul, Minn. Soon thereafter, a fellow enrollee who was serving the First Baptist Church of Prentice, Wis., as a student pastor introduced himself. During our conversation, he learned that I had grown up in Prentice and had left there eight years earlier. Immediately he invited me to spend the Thanksgiving recess with him and the church. He and the congregation had planned a full weekend with the "hometown boys" who came back.

The old Soo Line train rattled the 180 miles between St. Paul and Prentice. We walked the mile to the parsonage, which he occupied each weekend. Because winter was coming, he had made up his bed in the kitchen -- the easiest room to get and keep warm -- and had closed off the rest of the house.

For Thanksgiving dinner, we were invited to the home of my former Sunday school teacher. She had married and now lived on a farm, though her husband drove for an oil delivery service.

When we arrived at the appointed time, we found her table set with all her fine china and loaded with the Thanksgiving dinner she had prepared. We chatted in the kitchen as she prepared the final touches. Then she said, "Stan, go into the dining room and see if I've got everything on the table."

When I came back, I reported, "I think you must have everything, but I didn't see any corn." She promptly left the kitchen and came back with a can of her home-canned corn, warmed it, and served it with the rest of the meal. I was embarrassed; I had meant to be funny.

The next day we were invited to join another farm family for a 4:30 p.m. dinner. We were going to eat early so that the men would have time to do their chores and still get to the service that had been scheduled for that evening. We feasted on another rich farm dinner.

I was facing a big slice of fresh apple pie when the telephone rang. The call was for me. When I picked up the receiver on the wall phone, a voice from the other end said, "Stan, Mrs. Fryklund invited you to dinner tonight, and she's wondering where you are."

When I told the caller I had already eaten, he replied, "She is the mother of your former band director and has lived alone since he died. Furthermore, she has been pretty much a recluse since. We were thrilled that she wanted you to come over. You had better go." I left the pie and went alone.

Mrs. Fryklund greeted me warmly. She seemed excited that I had come. As we talked, it soon became apparent that her son had talked to her about my musical ineptitude.

The two of us sat down to her well-spread table. I was worried; how was I going to do justice to the feast she had prepared? She had Swedish meatballs, baked potatoes, and fresh, home-baked bread among other items.

After the table grace, I loaded my plate. I had taken a few bites when she heard the oven timer and excused herself. I put my slice of bread in one pocket. I wrapped two meatballs in my handkerchief and did likewise with half of my potato. When she returned with the coffee, it looked like I had done justice to her meal.

I added a few more "bites" to my pocket collection before concluding the meal. Because I was to speak at the service that evening, I excused myself as soon as we had finished eating.

The meeting had already begun by the time I arrived at the sanctuary. Most of the chairs were occupied by friends from years ago. I found an empty seat close to the front. In my anxiety, I forgot the items in my pocket.

When the pastor called on me, I mounted the platform and stepped behind the pulpit to begin my presentation. Everything went well until I was about two-thirds finished. At that point I stepped out from behind the pulpit and, in a gesture of emphasis, jammed my hands into the pockets of my suit coat. By now my meal had soaked through the handkerchiefs, and my hands got the benefit of the contents.

I finished my address with my hands in my pockets. A curious audience wondered why.

Another from Will and Guy!

2011-11-22T06:00:00.006-05:00

Ten Newspaper Mistakes to Do With Medicine

1) The Sunday Times explanation for the extinction of the dinosaurs :- The extinction may well have occurred when a steroid hit the Earth.

2) Another newspaper misprint :- The Welsh international had to withdraw when the cut turned sceptic.

3) From a Sunday newspaper :- The surgeon said he'd removed my momentum - the funny apron of fat that covers the intestines. [The omentum is the medical name for the sheet of fat that covers abdominal organs.]

4) From an article on stomach trouble :- Doctors are beginning to accept that stomach ulcers are infectious. They are caused by a bug called Helicopter. [Real name Helicobacter pylori.]

5) The Worksop Bugle recently carried a news report about a chap who'd happily "recovered from a tuna of the kidney". [Salad days ahead?]

6) An excerpt from 'Pulse' magazine :- If we are over-diagnosing asthma, then we must be under-diagnosing the other causes of nocturnal cough, such as post-natal drip. [Slip of the 's', post-nasal drip.]

7) From a national newspaper :- Cutting down on fats reduces the risk of heart disease. Try to choose unsaturated fats, which are found in red meat, milk, cheese, coconut oil, palm oil and butter ........ [Most of those contain SATURATED fats which would CAUSE a heart attack.]

8) A transplant surgeon has called for a ban on "kidneys-for-ale" operations.

9) From the South Wales Evening Post :- Cash plea to aid dyslexic cildren.

10) An interesting health tip from Q magazine :- In America you can buy melatonin as a vitamin supplement. It is a hormone that your penile gland secretes when it gets dark. [Actually, melatonin is produced by the pineal gland.]

2011-11-21T06:00:00.055-05:00

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

2011-11-20T06:00:00.015-05:00

A Pastor Goes To The Dentist A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

From Will and Guy

2011-11-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

17 Ways To Cook A Turkey
1. Go buy a turkey
2. Take a drink of whisky
3. Put turkey in the oven
4. Take another 2 drinks of whisky
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskys of drink
7. Turk the bastey
8. Whisky another bottle of get
9. Ponder the meat thermometer
10.Glass yourself a pour of whisky
11.Bake the whisky for 4 hours
12.Take the oven out of the turkey
13.Floor the turkey up off of the pick
14.Turk the carvey
15.Get yourself another scottle of botch
16.Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
17.Bless the dinner and pass out

When Insults Had Class

2011-11-18T06:00:00.002-05:00

Oldies but goodies
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
________________________________
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
________________________________
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
________________________________
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
________________________________
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
________________________________
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow
________________________________
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
________________________________
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
________________________________
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
________________________________
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
________________________________
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
________________________________
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
________________________________
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
________________________________
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
________________________________
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
________________________________
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
________________________________
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
________________________________
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
________________________________
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
________________________________

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
________________________________
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
________________________________
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
________________________________
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
________________________________
Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities. - Aldous Huxley
________________________________
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
Winston you are drunk.
Madam you are ugly but I shall be sober in the morning.

2011-11-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

This Has To Be One
Overworked Mother
She needs a Nanny for sure.

These are from Will and Guy. I will have to say, I never had any complaints about my Mother-in-law, we got along just fine.

2011-11-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

Mother-In-Law Jokes
* My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.

* Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

* What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.

* I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'

* Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'
Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

======================================

* Will and Guy's Favourite Mother-in-law Joke

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.
It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

======================================

* Short Mother in law Jokes

1) Overheard in a restaurant:
She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

2) Open Door Policy
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'
I said, 'Sure you can.' And shut the door.

3) Newlywed Surprise
The newlywed wife, Monica, said to her husband , Nick, when he returned from work, 'I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two.'
Nick started glowing with happiness and kissing Monica purred, 'Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.'
Monica smiled and added, 'I'm glad that you feel that way, Nick, because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.'

4) Final Complaint
Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.

Paul: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
Phil: We haven't had any yet.

Ever have days when you felt like doing this?

2011-11-15T06:00:00.003-05:00

Especially after spending hours preparing the dinner.
You may not be happy with dinner but you are going to eat it anyway!

Another from Will and Guy

2011-11-14T06:00:00.004-05:00

Parrot at Auction
One day David went to an auction. While he was there, he bid for a parrot. David really wanted this bird, so he got caught up and thoroughly involved in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he had bid much more than he had intended, David won the bid; the parrot was his at last.

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

2011-11-13T06:00:00.005-05:00

Make A Difference
CLICK HERE

2011-11-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

Not All Heroes Are People James Crane worked on the 101st floor of Tower 1 of the World Trade Center .... He is blind so he has a golden retriever named Daisy.

After the plane hit 20 stories below, James knew that he was doomed, so he let Daisy go, out of an act of love. She darted away into the darkened hallway.

Choking on the fumes of the jet fuel and the smoke James was just waiting to die. About 30 minutes later, Daisy comes back along with James ' boss,

Who Daisy just happened to pick up on floor 112
On her first run of the building, she leads James , James ' boss, and about 300 more people out of the doomed building.

But she wasn't through yet, she knew there were others who were trapped. So, highly against James ' wishes she ran back in the building.

On her second run, she saved 392 lives. Again she went back in. During this run, the building collapses. James hears about this and falls on his knees into tears.

Against all known odds, Daisy makes it out alive, but this time she is carried by a firefighter. "She led us right to the people, before she got injured" the fireman explained.

Her final run saved another 273 lives. She suffered acute smoke inhalation, severe burns on all four paws, and a broken leg, but she saved 967 lives. Daisy is the first civilian Canine to win the Medal of Honor of New York City.

I hope you enjoyed this story. I thought it was terrific.

Pass it on to all animal lovers ... Remember love is to be shared to be multiplied..

Received from a friend in England

2011-11-11T18:00:00.004-05:00

THE FINAL INSPECTION
The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you ?
Have you always turned the other cheek ?
To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

Another timely reminder of why

2011-11-11T06:00:00.015-05:00

"WE REMEMBER" every 11th of November!!!
A lesson...

A lesson that should be taught in all schools . . and colleges. Back in September, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School, did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom. When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks.

'Ms.. Cothren, where are our desks?'

She replied, 'You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.'

They thought, 'Well, maybe it's our grades.'

'No,' she said.

'Maybe it's our behavior.'

She told them, 'No, it's not even your behavior.'

And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom. By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms.Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.

The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, 'Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.'

At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it. Twenty-seven (27) War Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall... By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.

Martha said, 'You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it.'

By the way, this is a true story.

Haven't posted a blonde joke lately.

2011-11-10T06:00:00.002-05:00

The Pregnant Blonde
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.... (You're going to love this!)

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.

Keep this in mind for next Summer

2011-11-09T06:00:00.012-05:00

Cooler Corn The Best Way to Cook Corn on the Cob for a Crowd? It's Cooler Corn!

Am I the only person who hasn't heard of "cooler corn"?

As an obsessive food nerd, you'd expect that I would have at least heard of it, but over the weekend I was blind-sided by the simple genius of this method for cooking loads of corn on the cob perfectly.

I was hepped to it while visiting my family in Maine. Short story: We like corn on the cob. And with eight adults at the table, that means a couple of dozen ears. We would have used the lobster pot to cook them all, but the lobster pot was busy steaming lobster.

Then my sister, a capable Maine cook with years of camping experience, says "let's do cooler corn!" Before I can ask "what the heck is cooler corn?" a Coleman cooler appears from the garage, is wiped clean, then filled with the shucked ears. Next, two kettles-full of boiling water are poured over the corn and the top closed.

Then nothing.
When we sat down to dinner 30 minutes later and opened it, the corn was perfectly cooked. My mind was blown. And I'm told that the corn will remain at the perfect level of doneness for a couple of hours.

Turns out, Cooler Corn is pretty well known among the outdoorsy set. But for those of us who avoid tents as much as possible, it's perfect for large barbecues and way less of mess than grilling. In fact, I may even buy another cooler just so I'm ready for next summer. Now that I'm in the know.

Great Idea

2011-11-08T06:00:00.002-05:00

New Tradition
I didn't author this, but I think it should be spread far and wide! Read and see if you agree.

Christmas 2011 -- Birth of a New Tradition
As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods -- merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes there is!

It's time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper? Everyone -- yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates from your local American hair salon or bar

Gym membership? It's appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some health improvement.

Who wouldn't appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down the Benjamines on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course.

There are a bazillion owner-run restaurants -- all offering gift certificates. And, if your intended isn't the fancy eatery sort, what about a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this isn't about big National chains -- this is about supporting your home town Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn't use an oil change for their car, truck or motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery and beautiful wooden boxes.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theater.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of light, about fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn't imagine.

THIS is the new American Christmas tradition. Forward this to everyone on your mailing list -- post it to discussion groups -- throw up a post on Craigslist in the Rants and Raves section in your city -- send it to the editor of your local paper and radio stations, and TV news departments. This is a revolution of caring about each other, and isn't that what Christmas is about?