Tuesday, January 27, 2015

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
I'm sure I have posted these before, but still worth rereading. Might give you at least one chuckle.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

...."Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."
Cherokee Proverb


Monday, January 26, 2015

No matter your age, 50, 60 or 70 and beyond

Someone had to remind me,
So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh..... It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
and heading towards
70 & beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.
3.
No one expects you to run --
Anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a
Hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
Won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex
But not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.

11..
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge..

12.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.

13.
You sing along
With elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
Much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off.

16..
Your joints are moreaccurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service..

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all
In big print
For your convenience.

Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now!


"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

Sunday, January 25, 2015

A New Day

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Received in my email, from a cousin.

Japanese Sex Argument

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need serious help!!! Sometimes I worry about you.



Friday, January 23, 2015

Makes one think Spring




Thursday, January 22, 2015

Useless Advice of the Day

Add a tablespoon or two of honey to cake batter for a moister cake.

Fog in January brings a wet spring. (If the wet spring has 'some' sunshine, can't get here soon enough)

To soothe a sore throat, boil pomegranate rinds in water and drink as a tea. (as if we keep pomegranates on hand)

Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet. (Nuf said!)

Clutter control: Next time you add to your wardrobe, discard something. (I need to discard more than one something)

It is lucky to keep a jar of pennies in the kitchen. (I do have a jar of all kinds of coins, does that count?)

To keep used steel-wool pads from rusting, store them in the freezer. (OK)

To clean marble, use a solution made of 3 tablespoons baking soda and 1 quart water. (Oh yes, all my marble will be cleaned with this....hahaha)

Copied from a friends blog LINDA

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

From a Blog Friend in GB

In Honour of Stupid People everywhere.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts --"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought ????...)
=======================

On a Sears hair dryer --Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================

On a bag of Doritos --You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners --"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid --"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because???.....)
==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights --"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================

On a Japanese food processor --"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what? No wonder they are going broke)
===========================

On a child's Superman costume --"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================

On a Swedish chainsaw --"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)