Friday, October 31, 2014

Joining the Army

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"




Thursday, October 30, 2014

A little boy and girl go trick or treating.


They knock on a door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are cute as you can be. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill," the girl with two front teeth missing replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

The cuties go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.

They ring the door bell and once again and when the man opens the door, he grins and asks, "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy puffing his little chest out in pride.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" says the man.

Heads hung low, the children leave. Shortly the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"We're Hershey Bars," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."








Wednesday, October 29, 2014

A Blonde Joke

Green Side Up

A young real estate man was showing a lady around a house that she wanted to look at before she could make any commitments.

They were on the second floor, also the top floor, when the man walked over to one of the windows that faced the road and yelled out, "Green side up!" The lady gave him a strange look, but she continued on with the man on the tour.

They got to the main floor, and again, after he had shown her all the rooms, he went over to a window that faced the road and yelled out, "Green side up!" The lady looked around, trying to figure out what the man was talking about, but she shrugged it off and followed him into the basement.

When they reached the basement, the man looked quickly out one of the windows that faced the road, rushed over, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!!!!!!!!"

Well, the lady couldn't take it anymore, so she turned to the man and said, "Sir, why must you yell out, 'Green side up' out the window constantly?"

The man laughed and replied, "Oh, I have some blondes across the street laying sod."

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Love Older Women & Happy Endings

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON
WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,
"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I
NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,
"WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED
SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,
STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED
AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD
WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,

"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

And that's a fact!


I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Monday, October 27, 2014

Birthdays

Sat. the 25th. was Abe's 80th. Birthday. Angela treated six of us to Clair's Pizza in Richmond In. They have delicious bread sticks, onion rings and pizza. Then we came back to the house to have cake and ice cream, plus carmeled pop corn and another party snack, that Becky made up, not sure if it had a name, but it was delicious. Melinda and Noah also were able to come to the house. Then they all sang Happy Birthday to Abe and me, since mine is today, the 27th.

Tonight Becky is fixing supper for me, home made noodles with chicken, sauerkraut salad, mashed potatoes and top it off with a home made apricot pie. Noodles and pie were two of my Mom's specials.

Beautiful Monday, sun is out, wind is blowing some, leaves are falling, typical autumn day. Perhaps could even call it Indian Summer. This week-end we change our clocks again, fall back. I wish they would leave them this way year round. They use to say, it was so farmers could get their work done, I don't know many farmers that don't have lights on their machinery now a days. I think it's so people can play golf longer. I start changing our clocks around supper time on Sat., since we have quite a few to change. I wish there was some way we Ohioans could vote on this time change thing.

Our dog is doing great, still begs for food way too much, barks way too much. Baby Kitty, our daughter's cat hasn't been doing too well. Hoping the visit today at the vet's will show some improvement. He vomits a lot and has diarrhea way too much. Poor thing has to get exhausted.

That's it for Monday, everyone take care and have a terrific week.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Weird Facts


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to

someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.


In other words, send it to everyone!



Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A German Shepherd

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do do now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.