Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Just received in my e-mail!

Livening Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high; take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone says, in turn, what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old-recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal, turn to Mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
Short one today

Dentist's Award

What does the Dentist of the Year get?

A little plaque.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Good Morning

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings.
~ Author Unknown


Sunday, November 23, 2014

Sunday Morning

Friday, November 21, 2014

Bad Pun Intended

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western

~ "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

~ "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my behind look big?"

~ "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

~ "Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

~ "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

~ "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."

~ "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

~ "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

~ "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

~ "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

~ "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

~ "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

~ " Two fisted real men don't wanna get married...unless they miss their Mommys."

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Good morning
Ever have days when you feel like that? LOL

Cold here this morning, about 10, have no idea the wind chill factor. Abe's looking it up for me. What ever it is, it's pretty darn cold. He said with the wind chill factor it's like -5.

I am so thankful I'm not a homeless person, I know I wouldn't be able to survive. I have so many things to be thankful for.

All you wonderful people be careful if you're going out into this really cold weather, bundle up. I don't have to be anyplace until 10:00 am.