Monday, April 27, 2015

GOOD CLEAN FUNNIES LIST

REAL DMV Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.



Saturday, April 25, 2015

Catholic Hairdryer

This is priceless. Oh, the power in words.

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'


Friday, April 24, 2015

Didn't Think They Had Homework Back Then

A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it.

He said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!"




Thursday, April 23, 2015

Tourist's Questions

Tourists ask a lot of questions as we travel between the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, "Does the water go all the way around the island?" Another asked, "How much further until we're in the ocean?"

But the one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Rebecca Branum

P.S. I have a feeling there are people out there asking stupid questions like these. Makes one wonder how people have become so dumb.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

First Day at Work

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."





Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Monday, April 20, 2015

GREEK LEGAL SYSTEM

DIVORCE CASE HEARING!

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"


DON'T LAUGH ...... He Won!