Sunday, September 14, 2014

CHURCH SERVICES OF THE FUTURE??

PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"

CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor13:13.

And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e


"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

· Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.

· Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.

· Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...

· This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.

· Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.

· You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.

God bless you and have nice day

P.S. From Me (Patty) Let's hope it never comes to this





Saturday, September 13, 2014

Punny Tweets

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I thought she had PMS, but she was just ovary acting.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Labor Pains

When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.

As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"

"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.

"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"



Monday, September 08, 2014

PROFOUND STATEMENTS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard , Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case , Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)


Sunday, September 07, 2014

Thought To Live By