Thursday, July 31, 2014

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Araprosdokians

Winston Churchill loved araprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twi
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Finally:
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now a days it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.



Monday, July 28, 2014

Annie

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school. She had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" She answers!
“Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

My public service is done for the day!! Keep laughing...life is too short to take it too seriously...


Saturday, July 26, 2014

Coast Guard Cook

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Blessed 2 of 2

I posted Part 1, I believe on, the 18th, of July.

** Blessed art those who pray in King James English, for they shall surely speaketh in clarity.

** Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall always have a job.

** Blessed are those who resist temptation at the smorgasbord, for they shall be buffeted.

** Blessed are those who listen intently during sermons, for their understanding is great.

** Blessed are those who can give without remembering, for they shall not be forgotten.

** Blessed are those who donate organs, for they are giving the gift of life.

** Blessed are those who receive donated organs, for they have restored health.

** Blessed are those who shop, for they shall be spent.

** Blessed are those who drill, for they shall not be bored.

** Blessed are bald men, for they shall not have toupee for hair cuts.

** Blessed are those who are magnets, for they shall find each other attractive.

** Blessed are those who have allergies, for they shall be scratched.

** Blessed are the dermatologists, for they shall not be rash.

** Blessed are the neurologists, for they shall have a lot of nerve.

** Blessed are the obstetricians, for their labors shall not be in vain.

** Blessed are the ophthalmologists, for they shall not be shortsighted.

** Blessed are the pediatricians, for they shall have many children.

** Blessed are the psychiatrists, for they shall be couched.

** Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shall put a whole new face on things.

** Blessed are the podiatrists, for they shalt have a leg to stand on.

** Blessed are the cardiologists, for they shall have a lot of heart.

** Blessed are the optometrists, for they shall see you coming.

** Blessed are the taxidermists, for they shall know their stuff.

** Blessed are those who work in muffler shops, for they shall hear you coming.

** Blessed are those who work in bowling alleys, for they shall hear a pin drop.

** Blessed are those who make pizzas, for they shall have lots of dough.

** Blessed are the hard of hearing, for they shall miss all the small talk.

** Blessed are those who cook, for they shall be at home on the range.

** Blessed are those who fail, for they shall be a good example for others not to follow.

** Blessed are those who are a little cracked, for the Redeeming Light pours through them.

** Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won't have to eat them later.

** Blessed are the prophets, for the blind shall see through their eyes.

** Blessed are those who are open to commitment, for they shall be fulfilled.

** Blessed are those who are soft hearted, for they shall be comfortable!

** Blessed are they that go in circles, for they shall be called wheels.

** Blessed are those who are short, for they shall stand on ladders!

** Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.

** Blessed are those who sing in the choir, for they shall be noted.

** Blessed are those who do things anonymously, for they shall be found out.

** Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

** Blessed are those who build ladders, for they shall give others a step up.

** Blessed are the leaders who have not sought the high place, but who have been drafted into service because of their ability and willingness to serve.

** Blessed are people who know where they are going, for they shall not make U-turns.

** Blessed are the dictators, for they shall keep stenographers employed.

** Blessed are those who spend time listening to an elder's tales of long ago, for they shall inherit pearls of wisdom.

** Blessed are those who lead by example, for they shall be mocked.

** Blessed are the leaders who travel on interstate highways, for they shall follow road signs.

** Blessed are those who have their heads in the clouds, for they shall be able to predict the weather.

** Blessed are those who ride bicycles, for they shall have balance.

** Blessed is the chicken that crossed the road, for she shall be poultry in motion.

** Blessed are those who sing, for they shall find the key.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Car Insurance Excuses

- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

- The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

- I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

- The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

- I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

- I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Blessed Part 1

** Blessed are the Internet junkies, for their time shalt be a net loss.

** Blessed are those who build bridges, for they shalt get over it.

** Blessed are those who recycle motor oil, for they shall be refined.

** Blessed is the TV weatherman, for he shalt talk up a storm.

** Blessed are the undertakers, for they shalt be the last to let you down.

** Blessed are they who knit their own hosiery, for they shalt not get a run for their money.

** Blessed are the auctioneers, for they shall look forbidding.

** Blessed are the breadmakers, for they shalt rise to the occasion.

** Blessed are the nuns, for they shall have no bad habits.

** Blessed are those who stop horseback riding, for they shalt be full of woe.

** Blessed are the thrifty deer hunters, for they shalt get more bang for their buck.

** Blessed are the ministers who make mistakes, for it shall only be a clerical error.

** Blessed are the unionized church workers, for they shalt bargain in good faith.

** Blessed are the watchmakers, for they shalt work overtime.

** Blessed are the religious nuclear engineers, for they shalt have critical mass.

** Blessed are students in Christian schools, for they shalt have good Principals.

** Blessed are the poor losers, for they shalt continue to diet.

** Blessed are those who are multi-lingual, for they shalt be misunderstood in many languages.

** Blessed are those who are in medical school, for they shall become ill-literate.

** Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shalt be nobody's fool.

** Blessed are the drama students, for they shalt be a class act.

** Blessed are the bridesmaids, for they shalt be wedding belles.

** Blessed are the landscapers, for they shalt be bushed.

** Blessed are the gymnasts, for they shalt always do good turns.

** Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed.

** Blessed are the orchard growers, for their work shall not be fruitless.

** Blessed are they who avoid their in-laws, for they shalt not be relatively annoyed.

** Blessed are the candy-makers, for they shalt make a mint.

** Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of the iceberg.

** Blessed are they who own horses, for they shalt have stability.

** Blessed are they who play tennis, for love means nothing to them.

** Blessed are they that wrap leftovers, for they shalt be foiled again.

** Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income.

** Blessed are the musicians, for they shalt be noteworthy.

** Blessed are those who are tailors, for they shalt be suited for it.

** Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to concentrate.

** Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shalt be bi-sectual.

** Blessed is he who stops smoking, for he shalt be a quitter.

** Blessed is he who has a word processor, for his words shalt be minced.

** Blessed are those who watch the stars, for their work shalt be astronomical.

** Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt be a good roll model.

** Blessed are they who make it through April, for they shalt be in dismay.

** Blessed is he who plows in a straight furrow, for he shall be in a rut.

** Blessed are they who give hugs; for they are truly appreciated (more than they'll ever know).

** Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the call wherever they are.

** Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace.

** Blessed are those who refrain from alcohol, for they shall remain sober.

** Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong funnybones.

** Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief.

** Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site.

** Blessed are the piemakers, for they shall generate fellowship. They are also the "Upper Crust." They Have a Lot of Crust!

** Blessed are those who attend church regularly, for they shall be pewed.