Tuesday, August 22, 2017
What's the most famous painting of an eclipse?
The Moona Lisa.
What did the sun bring to the solar eclipse party?
A light snack!
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
What did the sun say when it reappeared after an eclipse?
"Pleased to heat you again."
What kind of underwear should you wear during an eclipse?
Fruit of the Moon!
How do you organize a solar eclipse party?
Why didn't the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees!
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Why did the teacher bring solar eclipse glasses to school?
She had bright students!
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Famous quotes by Phyllis Diller:
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive, my boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type
Sunday, August 06, 2017
A visiting Priest was attending a men’s breakfast in Ohio Farm County. He asked one of the impressive older farmers in attendance to say grace that morning. After all were seated, the older farmer began------
“Lord, I hate buttermilk.”
The Priest opened one eye and wondered to himself where this was going.
Then the farmer loudly proclaimed, “Lord, I hate lard.”
Now the Priest was overly worried.
However without missing a beat, the farmer prayed on, “And Lord, you know I don’t care much for raw white flour.”
Just as the Priest was ready to stand and stop everything, the farmer continued,
“But Lord, when you mix ‘em all together and bake ‘em up, I do love fresh biscuits. So Lord, when things come up we don’t like, when life gets hard, when we just don’t understand what you are sayin' to us, we just need to relax and wait ‘till You are done mixin’, and probably it will be somethin' even better than biscuits.
“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.”
Wednesday, August 02, 2017
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
It just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?
I was in a Starbucks recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with my ear piece.
(This is what happens when old people start using technology! By the way, at what point in life do we become "old people"?)
Friday, July 28, 2017
A man, a miss,
A car, a curve.
He kissed the miss,
And missed the curve.
I'm sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives. People laughed and then were more careful! It was a REAL "service" to America, even though it was an advertisement and it was one of the RARE "really useful" ones!
To My Old-As-Dirt Friends and Relatives
who qualify as "old as dirt."
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet… and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP. Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE. Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT. Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING. Burma Shave
GOOD MORNING, NURSE. Burma Shave
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER. Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT. Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE. Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
WASN'T IT? Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU. Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN’. Burma Shave
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY. Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE. Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING. Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW. Burma Shave
Burma Shave is still available in some Drug Stores.
It isn’t the best shaving cream but the Signs
were one thing you looked for!
Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt.
I loved reading them.
Have a great day!