Wednesday, May 23, 2018

IRISH MIRACLE

At last, confirmation of Murphy's Law with a wonderful Irish explanation......

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after eight long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out...

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared a 'No Miracle', because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

Friday, May 18, 2018

MONEY BAGS


Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other pain killers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth Each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least: This is called 'Money Bags.' So send this on to at least 5 friends and money will arrive in 5 days.

Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year. Superstitious or not, I passed this along because it is interesting information.

Not taking any chances------------------


Remember: Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the ammunition box!


Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U Gogh
His magician uncle
Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin
A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother
Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach
Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle
Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt
Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin
Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking
Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew
Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV
Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . . There ya Gogh!

Wednesday, May 02, 2018

Greeting
A pastor saw Robert Schuller's TV program "Hour of Power." One of the things that impressed him the most during the program was watching everyone turn around to shake hands with and greet other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness.

So, at Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another.

At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, "Good morning!" She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said, "I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn't start until next Sunday!
From Good Clean Funny Lines

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Costume party consequences


A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.Since her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went and had a quickie

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
'Did you dance much ?'

'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....'

Received from some friends in Canada, hope you got a chuckle from it like I did.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Why Go To Church?

I think this is fantastic, I just love the guy's answer, and the interpretation for BIBLE. Enjoy and pass on.

If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this!
If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it.
If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!
A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.
He wrote: "I've gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time, the preachers and priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all".
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column.
Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.
But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.
Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible & receives the impossible!
Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!

IF YOU CANNOT SEE GOD IN ALL, YOU CANNOT SEE GOD AT ALL !

B. I. B L. E. simply means: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth!
When you are about to forward this to others, the devil will discourage you.
So go on! Forward this to people who are DEAR to you and TRUST GOD.

Thursday, March 08, 2018

NEED HELP?

As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friends’ lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, North Korea, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton's scandals.. Donald Trump, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity...then I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.

A Mexican with a leaf blower showed up.