Saturday, July 21, 2018

Jewish Comedians

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons,Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce,
George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield,Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein And so many others.

There was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him Another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn't 20% off.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi

... And he needed a loan. So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas .

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000.00.
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA....

Keep an eye on those southern boys!

Just because we talk funny, does not mean we are stupid.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Moving to Nevada
(received from my cousin)

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada .

I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

An Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to SW Florida

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Englewood mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

An old one, but still funny. Received from my cousin Randall Martin

Thursday, June 14, 2018


THE WAR OF 1812 AT WALMART


Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in
particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired,
trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic
relief.

Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent
the establishment.

But, I digress, . . enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early
thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . . ."

I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity . . "1946", I answered,
as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of
1812 if it was in 1946?"

"It was a Black Op Mission. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to become fun!

"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice
said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously
awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.
It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look . . "Like, what's gonna’ happen
if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want
anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. The lady
behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack.
I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car
window talking to a young woman.

Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned
kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

And these people VOTE!

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol
hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!

See you guys at Walmart


Wednesday, June 13, 2018

AND THEN IT IS WINTER

I am not really ready for winter but it sneaks up on us all so fast, ready or not here it comes.

AND THEN IT IS WINTER

You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life.. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is... The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like. But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey - or gone...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change....Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! 'Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know - that when it's over on this earth...it's NOT over A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things - I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!

Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY!

REMEMBER:..... "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

"LIVE HAPPY IN THIS YEAR AND EVERY YEAR! LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you......
~Going out is good... Coming home is better!
~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called " pre -sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?".. "what?" ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.
~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"

Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.


Friday, June 01, 2018

Good Clean Laugh Lines

Carry-On

Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag.

The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.

Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.