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The Best Of Late Night

"Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick.Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out. Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The bitch set me up.”"
-Jay Leno

"Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems."
-Conan O'Brien

"In other political news, John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit."
-Jay Leno

"We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water."
-David Letterman

"In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list? Nachos spaghetti and corndog pudding."
-Conan O'Brien

"How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog. Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver. And a babysitter."
-David Letterman

"So hot here in New York City, instead of sunblock, they’re now recommending A-1 sauce."
-David Letterman

"The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste!"
-Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter."
-Jay Leno

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