"Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well you thought Mike Huckabee didn’t know when to quit. In fact, Ralph Nader’s campaign slogan? 'It’s me again.'" - Jay Leno
"This just in: Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. The show was very long. I think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that is 4 ½ hours long to give out an award for editing."- David Letterman
"The ratings are in: This year’s Oscars had the lowest ratings ever. In fact, they were so low, the winners were able to thank the people who watched by name. They were so low, NBC may pick it up as a series." - Jay Leno
"Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating one another for the 20th time. Experts are calling it 'redundant,' 'unnecessary,' and 'the most exciting thing that ever happened in Cleveland.'" - Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama said if they make a movie about his life, he would like Will Smith to play him. And Hillary said she would want an older woman who looks good in a pantsuit. So obviously she’s picked John Travolta." - Craig Ferguson
"Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts."
- Conan O'Brien
"Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner? American Idol." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house." - David Letterman
"In sports: The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be called the Marlin Brandos." - Conan O'Brien
"I was at the dentist today. I had a tooth removed. It was the last of my British teeth: I’m an American citizen now. Next week I’ll remove all my Speedos."
- Craig Ferguson
"It’s freezing all over the country. The Midwest is frozen solid. What we do to keep warm here is we gather around Paris Hilton." - Jimmy Kimmel
An old man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying and at times screaming at the top of his lungs.
As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice ..
"We are almost done, Albert ... Try not to cry, Albert ... Life will get better, Albert ."
As he approached the checkout stand, he gently brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes and said again, "Try not to cry, Albert ... We'll be home soon, Albert ..."
As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry and a young woman in line behind him said, "Sir, I think it's wonderful how sweet you're being to your little Albert."
The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying, "My grandson's name is John. I'm Albert."