Friday, April 11, 2008

You Think You've Got Problems?


I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.

Everything clear?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied g ravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of s quare glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy..the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....


reader Wil said...

Oh how horrible! Did it really take so long for Belinda to come back! You're a great story teller Patty. How are you doing now?

Old Wom Tigley said...

Patty I'm so sorry but I laughed loud all through this... I'm sorry but my humour is really up at the moment and this as me giggling still..


Old Lady Lincoln said...

reader wil and old wom tigley, perhaps I should have explained, THIS WAN'T ME, but the last time I did ask them, what happens if the electric goes off and I'm under the impression they can hand crank the thing, plus it has a safety release, so I doubt this would ever happen. Although at one time, I suppose it could have, but the machines are a lot different now. Longest I was ever clamped in one was about 15 mins, and after a while, you just sort of go numb. They were trying to locate the spot they were going to remove, and insert a wire into it, so the doctor would know where it was and when they remove it, I've been told, they have to make sure they have so much tissue all around the wire to make sure they removed it properly. First time was more painful than the second time.

Wanda said...

Oh my we go sides are hurting...I'm rolling on the floor....I just have too vivid imagination!!!

Patty what a fun way to start my Friday...Yeah my Mamo is over for this year~~~!

Mississippi Songbird said...

lol.. Thanks for the funny. have a great weekend!

Renie Burghardt said...

Oh, my gosh, I laughed myself silly, but was feeling bad about it, because I thought this really happened to you, Patty. So now I know, it's okay to laugh about it. Haha. Heeehee. Very funny story!

Have a nice weekend!


Merle said...

Dear Patty ~~ You had us all worried for you, but relieved to know it wasn't you and it couldn't happen like that nowadays. Very funny story.
I am so glad that your daughter is doing so well. A big relief to you all and I hope she continues to recover. They are still repeating tests on Vicki, so we don't expect news until Friday 18th. Take care, my friend. Love, Merle,