Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tax Time Hot From My E-Mail

Doubtful Deductions...

"It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink." -- Dave Barry

"The number of words dealing with income taxes in the Internal Revenue Code and IRS regulations rose nearly tenfold between 1955 and 2005, from 718,000 to more than 7 million

How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms." --Jacob Sullum

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments." -- Robert Orben

"To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men." -- Edmund Burke, 18th Century Irish political philosopher and British statesman

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either." -- Gerald Barzan, humorist

"The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code." -- John F. Lekel

"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip." -- Advertisement

"If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism." -- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, Internal Revenue Service

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling." -- Paula Poundstone

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

"A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest." -- C Bob Thaves

"The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts." -- Dave Barry

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag." -- Jay Leno

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids." -- Harvey Mackay

"In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other." -- Voltaire

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled." -- J. Danforth Quayle V.P.

The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake. -- Ogden Nash

This guy walks into the tax auditor's office, the auditor looks at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already own a piece of yours."


Anonymous said...

Anything with that many words in it has to be some kind of crime.


Twisted Fencepost said...

In most jobs, the wages top out. Meaning, you can only make so much. No more raises or benefit packages.
I wonder if that will ever happen with taxes?

Margaret Cloud said...

This is very good and I bet a lot of people try and cheat on their taxes. I would not have the nerve to cheat the Government. Hope you had a nice Easter, we are still chilly here.

Femin Susan said...

I don't know anything about taxes(everything up to my parents.)

Mississippi Songbird said...

Ilove the one about the mugger.. so true! and they are just going to get higher, aren't they?

Have a great week and Happy 15th!
(I'm joining a tea party.. Just to make me feel better..lol )

Renie Burghardt said...

Ha! These would be funny, if not so painfully true!

Have a nice night, Patty. Dancing is over. I can head to bed.

Tomate Farcie said...

Oh, no, don't leave a tip!!

Sales tax in CA is up to 9.5% in some counties (sigh).