Friday, June 12, 2009

Teachers versus Cops

WHO'S FUNNIER: TEACHERS OR COPS ?
(by a teacher who is married to a cop)
Subject: Teachers
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Cops

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!

1. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

6. 'You don't kno w how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

7. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

8. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'

11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

13. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'


AND THE WINNER IS....
16. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here. ( In Calif.)




12 comments:

kavita said...

Hilarious as always.Regards
Kavita

Kathleen said...

I will echo.. Hillarious!

Hope all is well with you.. I ahve been so busy I cant even sit down to relax let alone do my blog!
Have a Great Weekend!!

The Mulligan Family said...

Richard thought those were pretty funny. (former LAPD) #16 was brutal. Thanks for the morning chuckles.

Pat - Arkansas said...

Love'em all! Sorry to hear the teachers were reprimanded for telling the truth -- and so cleverly, too.

Femin Susan said...

you make me laugh~ always .....!!

nanny said...

LOL. The winner is great!!!

Margaret Cloud said...

These are really good , I liked both teacher and cop, but I liked the cops better. Have a nice weekend.

Renie Burghardt said...

Well.....I think the teacher comments were a bit mean spirited, even if they meant them to be funny. But the cop comments were very funny! My older son is a cop in the Cleveland area. I'll have to send him the cop comments. He'll get a kick out of them.

Have a great evening, Patty.

Renie

Gramma Ann said...

Those are funny. I don't know who was the best, the teachers or the cops. But, I liked the last one on the cop list...I wonder what the pretty girl thought, or if maybe she was blonde and didn't get it. hee, hee.

I made the text in my blog yellow. Maybe that will be better. I didn't care much for the red either. ;)

KPPatty said...

Too funny. I just sent the cop one's to a friend of mine here who is a cop. I told him I hope to never hear him say one to me.

Twisted Fencepost said...

That last one..... OUCH!

Tomate Farcie said...

The last one sounds definitely like something a CHP would say to someone in California.

As to the kid reaching rock bottom and still digging ... still laughing!

Thank you!