Tuesday, July 07, 2009

I wouldn't want to work in any of these offices, how about you?

Office Lingo...

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.-- Management


9 comments:

Gramma Ann said...

That was funny. Although I have never worked, other than raising a family and farming. I'm sure the ones who have been out there in the working world got a bigger laugh at this than I did. ;)

Granny on the Web said...

... many a true word was spoken in jest!

Love Granny

Abe Lincoln said...

I never understood why companies insist on people coming to work on icy roads, risking their employees lives as well as their property. I guess that is why the boss and his family lived in town within walking distance of the shop.

The 4th Sister said...

Oh yes Patty, I have been reading Margret and helen for awhile....Now I'm not sure but I think it is written by a 30 something white male....writting both parts....you never know about the net....thinking this just makes me laugh more...I can just see a white male thinking what two old brass women would say about subjects.... Now let me make it clear I have no proof in this but just look at the things they are interested in and the style of writting....either way it is a good read... I would almost bet the same person writes both parts...

Gill - That British Woman said...

that was funny, imagine working there. I know this morning when I was cutting the filed, I had to stop every hour to go to the bathroom (it was cold!!), so the bathroom schedule wouldn't work for me!!

Gill in Canada

Renie Burghardt said...

Ha! I wouldn't want to work at that office either! And I'm just thankful that I don't have to work at all anymore. I mean, giving two weeks notice about my demise, and then training someone in that time, is a bit much! Haha.

Have a nice evening, Patty.

Renie

nanny said...

I am glad I am finally out of that world and now work for my husband (I have the key to the office)lol
And I know how to lock the door and leave!!!!

Granny on the Web said...

Patty this is a request rather than a comment. I have heard you mention in the past that you schedule your posts. Would you care to share how this is done, as all the avenues I have explored so far have failed. A link to a lesson/page would do, if it is too long to explain.

Love Granny

Granny on the Web said...
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