Friday, August 28, 2009

I'm sure some have seen these before, but still good for a chuckle.

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I guess these pretty much covers about everything. Have a wonderful day. week-end is just around the corner.

8 comments:

Judy AKA Sunny said...

They are good... I have seen and heard these before, (most of them) but it was nice to smile early this a.m.

Happy Weekend to you and your family, Patty!

Sunny said...

I don't always leave a comment but I follow your blog and I want to thank you for starting my days off with a chuckle.
Sunny :)

Margaret Cloud said...

These were just great, I liked them all but liked the one about missing the car payment. Have a great week.

Abraham Lincoln said...

Sleeping pills and laxatives are a deadly combination. lol

Renie Burghardt said...

Oh, boy, these are good. I'll have to borrow some of them, Patty.

Hope you're doing well, and resting your eyes a lot. Have a good weekend.

Renie

Jack and Joann said...

I want these words of wisdom on the program for my wake. Have a great weekend.

Twisted Fencepost said...

I know a few people who could gain much by just learning when to shut up! tee hee

Tomate Farcie said...

I knew some of them but a good joke is like good wine, doesn't get old.

Thanks :)

My favorite: "A closed mouth gathers no foot" although the laxative one is not bad either :)