1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
4. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
5. Was learning cursive really necessary?
6. "lol" has gone from meaning, "laughing out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
7. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
8. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone in the world can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time.
9. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some dork from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
11. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm reasonably certain I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
12. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
13. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
14. It should probably be called "Unplanned Parenthood."
15. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
16. Bad decisions make good stories -- ain’t that the truth!
17. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
18. Is it just me or do a lot of high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
19. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
20. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
21. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
22. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
23. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring ('Hello? Hello? damn it!'), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.
24. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
25. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.