Thursday, March 18, 2010

I've used this one before

But it's been a while since I did post it, so posting again, they're still just as funny as they were the first time.

Why we love children!

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents..'

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room.. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.. 'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased..
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'



Arkansas Patti said...

Very cute. I love how children get to the meat of the matter. Loved the nudity ones.

Alan Burnett said...

It brightened my day just the way it said it would on the tin. Thanks

Reader Wil said...

It certainly brightened up my day! I could stop laughing and I especially liked this: "'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) ! That's brilliant!

Margaret Cloud said...

I read this before and it did brighten my day again. I especially liked the boy who found the flower in the bible.

Yankee Girl said...

That was really cute thanks for sharing!

Clytie said...

I love reading your posts in the morning - you brighten my whole day with laughter!!! Thanks!

Mental P Mama said...

Adorable! Tuxedoes give my husband a headache the next day, too;)

Beth Niquette said...

Hahahaa...thanks! I needed that!

Here's one for ya!

There's a little boy sitting on the toilet. His Mom notices he's been there a long time. He tells her he's constipated.

But when she looks back in on him, he grabs the seat and smacks the top of his head.

Finally her curiosity gets the best of her. "Son, is everything alright?" she queries. "Why do you keep hitting the top of your head."

Says he, "Works for ketchup."

Renie Burghardt said...

These were just as funny now as the first time I read them. And I liked the one about what works for the ketchup, too! Haha.

Have a good evening. Hope you get lots of rest after all the running.


Cathy said...

Hello Patty
Nearly 9pm here so I will hold the thoughts through the night and wake feeling happy lol
Some fun ones there - likes the Mum hitting the bottle:))

Twisted Fencepost said...

Cute, Patty. My favorites were 5,6,7,9, and 11.
Adam's underwear.....funny!