If I am what I eat, should I avoid fruit and nuts?
If all else fails, stop using all else.
I want to die young, as late as possible.
Forever: the time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
Counselor to new boy at camp: 'We want you to be happy, so enjoy yourself here. If there's something you want we haven't got, I'll show you how to get along without it.'
It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.
Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life.
I'm having amnesia and déją vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa . The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So, the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.