1. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
2. How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?
3. The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
4. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
5. If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.
6. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
8. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
9. It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
10. The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
11. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
12. People who snore always fall asleep first.
13. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
14. No one is listening until you fart.
15. Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
16. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.