Friday, June 11, 2010

High School Class Reunion

Of a 70+ Year Old Lady

I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped
gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan. I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel, the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner; the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow.

But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear. Okay, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink.

I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with the helium" bra.

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm!

Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination.

Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front,
and then sideways. I smiled, yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh ... why did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to pee again. ........So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the high school reunion.


Arkansas Patti said...

Ah, that hurt to read but laughing helped. I totally go with the last sentence.

Twisted Fencepost said...

Yep, at that point I think I would give up, too. LOL

mommanator said...

O this is so cute, funny and true!

reanaclaire said...

Patty.. where did u get this!! LOL..

Merle said...

Hi Patty ~~ This was so funny, and so sad really. I think the lady made the right decision in the end.
I am glad you enjoyed the jokes.
I am going well thank you - How about
Abe? I hope all is well with him.
All that rain sounded lovely, not so the humidity. Enjoy your weekend and
the coming week my friend.Love,Merle.

Lady Di Tn said...

LOL the fourth swing got me to rolling in the aisles. I think the decision was poetic. LOL Peace

ChrisJ said...

Patty, this is hilarious! You are brilliant.

Margaret Cloud said...

I am honestly tired from reading this post, it is so funny the way you explained your body parts, I chuckled all the way through. I don't blame you, I would of ordered pizza also. Is this person really you or someone else?

Cheryl said...

Oh I so loved this!!

Rosy said...

"Oh Patty Patty Patty where on earth are you getting these jokes at!?! This is so freaking funny I am nearly laughing in tears!!

Anna said...

All that and give up, lol, that was the funniest thing ever and the best decision yet. Anna :)

The Mulligan Family said...


Beth Niquette said...

I'm sitting here laughing my head off...who among us hasn't thought of buying one of those awful fat hiding contraptions?! AAaaahahahaha....I think I've been cured of thinking of the idea. (giggle)