Saturday, August 21, 2010

Do You Remember?

Those fabulous Jewish

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene,

Red Buttons,

Totie Fields,

Joey Bishop,

Milton Berle,

Jan Murray,

Danny Kaye,

Henny Youngman,

Buddy Hackett,

Sid Caesar,

Groucho Marx,

Jackie Mason,

Victor Borge,

Woody Allen,

Joan Rivers,

Lenny Bruce,

George Burns,

Allan Sherman,

Jerry Lewis,

Peter Sellers,

Carl Reiner,

Shelley Berman,

Gene Wilder,

George Jessel,

Alan King,

Mel Brooks,

Phil Silvers,

Jack Carter,

Rodney Dangerfield,

Don Rickles,

Jack Benny

Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.


Gramma Ann said...

I remember, does that mean I'm getting older?

Winifred said...

That was a great posting. I only recognise a few of the comedians and have to say I didn't realise they were Jewish.

I once saw Victor Borge when he toured the UK and he was amazing. A really funny man and he didn't need to say much.

Beth Niquette said...

My goodness--what talented folks the Jewish people are! I've always thought one didn't have to use dirty language to tell a good joke!

These are wonderful.

I only know the names of a few in that list.

reanaclaire said...

I like the one with the credit card stolen and he is not reporting bec the thief spends less than his wife.. LOL...

KleinsteMotte said...

Have a photo of Red Buttons with Buddy. Red came as a guest to a Rotary fundraiser and mixed with all of us. It was so much fun and there was much laughter.

Margaret Cloud said...

All that talent and who knew that all of them are Jewish. Enjoyed this post very much, made me smile.

Renie Burghardt said...

Wow, long list of Jewish comedians. Was Red Skelton really Jewish? Jewish jokes are the best! Haha.