Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Mother's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa, 

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several 
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

 I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
 If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. 

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

 I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother, "because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

 If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. 

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family. 

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my daughter saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her 
crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mommies you know.


Arkansas Patti said...

Really, really cute. Hope Santa was listening.

Ruth said...

That is cute,but as a mother I know it is all too true.
Have a Wonderful Christmas.

The 4th Sister said...

Patty, I hope you are happy, safe and well...I really enjoy you

Shionge said...

Hehheheh...if you children don't get the hint I'll just have to send the real Santa over hahhahah...

Merry Christmas to you and Abe and a Blessed New Year 2011 too. Stayed healthy and happy always.

(aka Shionge)

Renie Burghardt said...

I really enjod this! Of course, the kids being grown and getting old, too, I wish I could experience some of the things now, that she writes about! Ah, the good old days, when my kids were,

Merry Christmas, Patty. Have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Christmas Hugs!


Wanda said...

Us mommas understand don't we!!! They grown up way to my grand children are growing up to fast...

Country Mouse Studio said...

yes, they grow up much too soon, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

Sunny said...

Wishing you and Abe a very Merry Christmas!
☼ Sunny

Margaret Cloud said...

This was really good. I see myself in some of those requests.