Monday, January 30, 2012

More Will and Guy

Steven Wright's Sayings -
Researched by Alan Turnham

There are at least two famous people called Steve Wright. Alan Turnham has unearthed quotes by the American Comedian, (not the British Radio 2 Presenter) To get the most from these one-liners, you have to imagine Steve's deadpan delivery.

Steve Wright American Comedian born 1955

* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

* How do I set my laser printer on stun?

* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

* If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

* And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.


Reader Wil said...

These quotes are very much to the point.It's so clever of comedians that they know exactly where to find the most illogical items in expressions.

Gigi Ann said...

I enjoyed these, and isn't it funny how great minds think alike. I love the Guy and Will newsletter also..hee, hee.

Country Mouse Studio said...

My chuckle for the day :O)

Jackie said...

Great ones! (I actually saw a program on TV not long ago about how they get Teflon to stick to a pan. I'd never thought about it before! :)) )