Friday, January 27, 2012

Received from my cousin
that lives in KS.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." He sees things differently than most of us do; here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
2 - Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Hope you find one of two that will give you a chuckle.


reanaclaire said...

Hello Patty.. a nice post for enlightenment... have a nice weekend ahead!

Wanda said...

Oh Patty, I loved this list...Such a twist and turn from what you expect. Brilliant.

Sorry I've not been around more. My time on the computer is very limited with the full time care giving to Aunt Trula.

This was a nice break and a chuckle for me. Thanks.

I do see you more often on face book.

Jackie said...

I will be copying these (along with the author's name) and using them in the future. I love them!!!
Thanks, Patty!!!

Cheryl said...

I thoroughly enjoyed this Patty. Thanks for the smile! Have a nice weekend.

ChrisJ said...

I love these! Here's a man with a very flexible mind!

Joe "The Artist" Hagarty said...

Patty - this is the kind of people we need to save us from the politicians.

Country Mouse Studio said...

Such great quotes