More from Will & Guy

Steven Wright's Sayings
- Researched by Alan Turnham

There are at least two famous people called Steve Wright. Alan Turnham has unearthed quotes by the American Comedian, (not the British Radio 2 Presenter) To get the most from these one-liners, you have to imagine Steve's deadpan delivery.

Steve Wright American Comedian born 1955

* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

* How do I set my laser printer on stun?

* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

* If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

* And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.