1) Difficult Landing
The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline".
An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it", the little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
2) Aircrew of the Month
This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete. At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a job. He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home. Pete, got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an hour later. When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot. The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.
From a Stingem employee...."Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY. "We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Then he progressed to the famous "Fasten Seatbelt Routine". What he said was: "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.
After the plane landed, he said: "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants"
His final announcement was: "Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."