Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It just seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults.
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I will miss you."
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.