Philosophers from the past century
Betsy Salkind
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Prince Philip
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Harrison Ford
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.

Jean Rostand
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

WH Auden
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Johnny Carson
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Steve Martin
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

George Roberts
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Jonathan Winters
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

John Glenn
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -
every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

David Letterman
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Actually, I'm a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.