Thursday, October 09, 2008

I don't recommend this.

How To Give Your Pet A Pill...

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b******d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

10 comments:

Rinkly Rimes said...

We are minding my daughter's dog at the moment while she goes camping. We have to give the dog half a sausage each morning with a pill in it. I'm glad Banjo isn't a cat!

I love the Mergers!

Gramma Ann said...

That is so funny.

Recently, we took Mr. Jones (my cat) to the vet. When he gave him his pills, he just gently applied pressure to his cheeks, popped the pill into his mouth and rubbed his throat and the cat swallowed them. I stood there amazed. I know it would never work for me that way. I guess it's all in the technique.

Pat - An Arkansas Stamper said...

So true! I still bear the scars from previous episodes of trying to doctor my cats. When I take them to the vet, they hide the "tiger" in their souls and are real "pussy cats." Love'em anyway!

Winifred said...

I know the feeling!

I have to give my old cat a tablet everynight for her thyroid problem. For the first few weeks it was terrible. You can't crush them because they're a slow release tablet. So I tried wrapping it in tuna, she loves tuna. She ate the tuna and spat the tablet out.

I tried shoving it into a sort of treat thing. Same thing happened. So now I have to ply her jaws open, sometimes a gentle pressure works, depends on her mood. Eventually I have to push it down her throat poor thing, if I don't she won't swallow. Sometimes she regurgitates it and I find it the next morning. Yuk!

You really can't fool a cat!

Wanda said...

Oh my Patty....My sides are hurting, and I'm rolling on the floor....

Having cats, and dogs in our lifetime....I can so relate!!

Patty....keep them coming. You are the bright spot in our day!

Reader Wil said...

I know all about it!! I once put the cat in a pillow case and he tore it in pieces. Lateron I put the pill in water and solved it then put it in its food and and he ....ate it! Problem solved!

CINDY BUCKLEY said...

This is so funny because it is so true!! I remember buying fireplace gloves when we had to give my cat pills for a few weeks. The kind of very think gloves that workers use to handle bricks and mortar. They were suede, and padded and went up to my elbows, and I still ended up scratched!

Renie Burghardt said...

So darn funny! Hahaha. And so darn true!

Have a good night, Patty.

Renie

Tomate Farcie said...

Ah, this is great!!! I have to forward this one!!

Glen Miller playing in the background is also pretty cool.:)

Nancy said...

Ha-Ha! I've got pill giving down to an art now! This was hilarious, though!!!

(((((( HUGS ))))))