Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Child's Version

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

You must share this delightful story!


अविनाश said...

good one

judi said...

This is great, I will share it with my daughter ... sounds like my 8yo Grand could have written it!

Granny on the Web said...

I have already shared it with a friend from church. Out of the mouths of babes Eh?

Love Granny

bigbikerbob said...

Hi, I just loved this, where ever did you find it?.Not sure it will be to everyone's taste but what the hell, great.

Margaret Cloud said...

Patty this is such a good post, I especially like the first paragraph. I am sending you an email.

mommanator said...

oddly enough I have read this before, guess I have grandchildren!

Gramma Ann said...

Sounds like something a young Andy Griffith would have put together. Remember years ago, him describing his first football game.

Anonymous said...

Sounds good to me. I wonder when it will be read in church?

janice_phil said...

hahahaha!!! wow!!! your memory is sooo sharp in spite you've been through surgeries. amazing..all the prophets names are in order..hehe!!!

Denise said...

Isn't that the funniest? Love it, thanks for sharing.

Brenda said...

Those are funny! I may have to come back later and reread them.

Tomate Farcie said...

I hope this was not some kid's homework or something because it would be very difficult to keep a straight face!! Hilarious!

He split the Adam?!!

Great find, I think I will forward this one! :)

Femin Susan said...

it sounds exiting.......a good and well expressed one..

Renie Burghardt said...

Ha! This was great! I will copy,paste and print it out and give it to some friends at church. But not right now. It's starting to thunder pretty loudly. Yikes! Good night, Patty.


Merle said...

Dear Patty ~~ Loved this one, thanks
for sharing it with us. Thank you so much for altering the color of The Amazing Banana. It is full of good facts and most of us love bananas.
Hope all is well at your house. Take care my friend, Love, Merle.

Jack and Joann said...

Oh, that was so funny that I had to mention on my blog today that everyone should hop over to your blog to read this. What a hoot! Joann

Anonymous said...

My first time here at your blog! Love your stories. I've been reading Abe's blog for a while, but for some reason, never made it by yours. Came here by way of Joann's suggestion. Glad I did!

Wanda said...

Patty this has got to be the cutest thing I've ever read !!!