Thursday, June 03, 2010

Too good not to read (If you've ever had a mammogram)

Power Outage

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door.

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men Extraordinaire, found me .....half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'

'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'..

P.S. This is me, Pat, I asked the technician what happens if the power goes off, and she said she never thought of it, but assumed it would pop open. I can only hope it would. Believe it or not, when they locate the spot for a lumpectomy, they put you in that mammogram machine, clamp you down, go behind this wall, take a picture, come out and inject this plastic wire like thing into the breast, go back and take another picture, and if it's not in correctly, they come out and push it in a little further, then snap another picture. All the time while being clamped down. The first time, they had me sitting on a stool, with a pillow behind me. The next time I had a lady technician, she gave me a small shot to numb things, it felt like a bee sting for a few seconds, then they clamped me down. Myself I like to shut my eyes, again, I was sitting, this time more like a secretary's chair on wheels, and all at once she hollers Pat and I said what, she said for Pete's sake keep your eyes open, I thought you fainted. I told her when I close my eyes it doesn't seem as bad, so I had to keep them open, looking down at the floor while being squashed. It's amazing in the day and age with all the latest technology, they still use rather primitive ways of doing things.


Arkansas Patti said...

Had to laugh but then it is easier when I am not being smashed at the time.
Have you noticed the older we get, the longer it takes for the poor breast to "fluff" back up again.

mommanator said...

Man I totally agree. And having a bigger size doesnt help! Although where I got it done this year , they said there was a new machine and it doesnt hurt as bad, And it didnt!

reanaclaire said...

hello Patty, greetings to u..hope u r doing great and a happy weekend to you!!

Clytie said...

Ack, too bad it's worth the results, or none of us would go!

I saw a cartoon rendition of a pay-back 'man'-o'gram once. It was hysterically funny.

Margaret Cloud said...

Boy, this hits the nail on the head. I love the way you tell it, so true. I had to laugh when the tech. said she thought you fainted.

Beth Niquette said...

I had my first one a few years ago...

To distract myself, I thought about what design I might like in a new set of dinner plates someday... hmmm....