Saturday, January 21, 2012

One-liners from Real Résumés

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed in the Fortune Magazine:

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms."
3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

I find these truly amazing.


reanaclaire said...

Maturity Leave.. that was a good one.. no wonder they were not hired..

Jackie said...

And one often wonders why so many people are out of work....sigh.
(The résumés did 'em in!!)

Clytie said...

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me!

When I was in Germany I worked for the US government hiring US workers (mostly military spouses).

One of my favorite resumes included a food service worker's past experience: "I worked at Burger King keeping up the oders".