I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Now there's a man with an open mind—you can feel the breeze from here.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."