WISDOM
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters… do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that's coming.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;
whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named,
"Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?