Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!” says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guness brewery"

"Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

“She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

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9 comments:

oldmanlincoln said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
oldmanlincoln said...

You might like to travel to Ohio to see me wearing a blog wig.

I heard these jokes because you read them to me. LOL. I liked the breast one though.

Sailor Girl said...

You also made my day by making me laugh out loud! Thank you! And Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!!

carl h. sr. said...

Top 'o the mornin' to ya Patty.
The 'last request' is my favorite.
Old Lady Lincoln is a site I visit every morning.
Thank you for sharing your humor.

Old Wom Tigley said...

LOL.. great fun Patty.. do you know I have never met an Irishman who found jokes like this in bad taste. I have heard man a good Irish joke told by my Irish friends.

My Favourite is this one..

''News Flash On Paddy TV''
A two Seater plane as crashed into a grave yard in Derry... so far 320bodies have been recovered.

Mississippi Songbird said...

Those are so cute.. Happy St Patricks Day!

Wanda said...

Irish humor is funny too!! Can't make up my mind cause I laughed at all of them.

I also laughed when I saw you and Abe in your blond wigs!! You look like a cute little girl~~
Abe look like a ~~well that's another story :)

Renie Burghardt said...

I enjoyed the Irish jokes! Happy St. Patrick's Day!


Green Hugs (what else? lol)

Renie

Watching Dancing with the Stars as I type. LOL. Have a good night, Patty.

Merle said...

Dear Patty ~~ Great jokes and the last one the best. I didn't think of
doing mine in green. Good idea.
St Pat's Day doesn't do anything for me either, it's just another reason to celebrate and drink green beer etc. I hope you are not too busy over Easter and get more rest. I like
Dancing with the stars too, Aussie version.Take great care, Love, Merle.