Thursday, June 24, 2010

Received in my e-mail

The Bathing Suit

When I was a child in the 1960's the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a Skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent Rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror, my boobs had vanished! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but only those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got home, I found a label which read 'Material might become transparent in water.'

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt! You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.


Arkansas Patti said...

There is no crueler torture for a women over 40 that trying on bathing suits.
That piece sounded so Bombeck. Very funny.

Cheryl said...

Haha...yes indeed if I knew I could get back up from it, I would be rolling on the floor with laughter over this. Too, too funny. I will also be appearing in a tee-shirt and sweat pants on my local beach!

reanaclaire said...

transparent? ooops..

Wanda said...

I will say a hearty amen to Arkansas Patti's remark!!!

I wear a long white skirt, and tank top to the bathing suit says are long gone!

KleinsteMotte said...

Okay this is very familiar! I too love to wear a t-shirt and shorts at the beach. Trouble is they don't allow it at pools.So that's where wear a two piece not very flattering.

Rosy said...

I am laughing so darn hard that my face feels like it is breaking here Patty!

I wouldn't dare get caught in a bathing suit, unless it happens to pair of leggings with a shirt.

Beth Niquette said...

Oooh, Patty--I'm here alone in the house laughing my head off--I've actually got tears in my eyes.

I have been there!!!!!

The part about the boob cowering under the armpit really got to me.

I'm still laughing....good thing my husband isn't here.


shooting star said...

i totally get what ur saying here, am 26 and reasonally good figure( but with heavy bosom) and when i searched high and low for a bathing suit , i found most suitable has to be worn with another tight lycra top underneath or my boobies starts spilling out the minute i try some high strength swimming!!!

Terra said...

Oh you poor darling; this was funny, and the label that says "may become transparent when wet"! Yikes.
I buy lots of swimsuits because I exercise in a pool, and my friends and I all like Maxine swimsuits. Have you tried that brand? It comes in all sizes and styles. We range in age from 40 to 85 and come in all shapes and sizes :)

Clytie said...

I also now wear t-shirt and shorts. The last time I tried to laze on the beach with a swim suit on, someone tried to roll me back into the water!!! Lol

Twisted Fencepost said...

That would be me. **sigh**