Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Stock Market Terms

CEO- Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.


Gramma Ann said...

Very true...and very funny...


Oh, ouch! Those are so true they hurt!! But still very funny :)

Tomate Farcie said...

Hilarious, and so true!!!

"PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use." Sadly, so true!!

That one's a keeper!! :-)

Margaret Cloud said...

You made me smile, these are very good not to mention funny.

Raymonty said...

I wish that I would have saved my beer cans; I would be rich today. . . . . .

Femin Susan said...

My mom is interested in trading. She do it. I am busy with my exams.

Renie Burghardt said...

Even aluminum cans have plummeted. A few months ago you got a dollar a pound, now they're down to a quarter a pound. At least that's what someone told me recently. I think I'll quit drinking diet coke! Hahaha.

Have a good night, Patty.

PS. Went to the Chinese Buffet today. We go every Wednesday.